Editor, Daily Nexus:

Stephanie Tavares’ article on the resurrection of UCSB football (Daily Nexus, “Gaucho Gridiron: Play, Punt or Pass?” May 8) provided me with a motive to take a look at the vaunted Gauchoholic platform.

Let’s see … hey, they’re addicted to me! I don’t play football and I don’t see how football will provide me with a better education, but since my A.S. President-elect is so gung-ho about it, it must benefit me somehow …

1. They’ll listen to me: OK, football is NOT a priority!

2. UCSB will have more blue-lights than Kmart: At the end of 1999, according to Kmart, it had 2,173 stores. If there is at least one “blue-light” per store, that means Hampton and the Gauchoholics should have 2,174 phones by the end of their term. Football is a good start.

3. We understand all languages – Greek, Spanish and Jock: Well, Hampton sure has Jock down!

4. They’ll make sure I have a desk: Maybe they’ll send the football players to kick the crashers out of the seats enrolled students should be in.

5. Brian will fight for your right to party: In light of UCSB’s recent and ongoing tragedies, I don’t even have to comment on the idiocy of this statement.

6. More grass: With the defeat of the sports initiatives, we already know the students aren’t interested in the type of grass the Gauchoholics are promoting. Football is played on grass, right? Take the hint.

7. Tidal Wave II defense: You WILL need that football team!

8. We’ll cut your student fees: The football program will cost how much? Did you say lock-in fee? This will reduce my fees how? Coming to a campus near you, “Read My Lips II,” directed by Brian Hampton.

9. The Broida bikepath: A.S. already proved it can’t produce on this one. Football appears to be the logical alternative.

10. Finding parking: Expanding athletics is sure to alleviate this problem! Ride your damn bike.

11. A dead Dead Week: After all, one needs time to study for their Jock 101 final.

12. Again, they are addicted to me: and football and broken campaign promises before taking office.

Yes sir, the Jockoholics are off to a fine start.

DON BURNETTE