In a couple of months, the Local Agency Formation Commission (LAFCO) will nail down the boundaries of Goleta Now!’s cityhood proposal. If incorporation goes through without us, there is little chance of annexation, and I.V. will likely remain unincorporated county land. Many Goletans would spend their dying breath to see this through. The Nexus staff might be worried, but we’ve learned a thing or two from Goletans. We’ve created our own organization, I.V. Wow!, and proposed a city of our own.

The first and most obvious question when laying out the city of Isla Vista is, of course, the boundaries – a tricky business, actually. Legal and financial considerations present themselves as guidelines, but this is misleading. One must consider, in an abstract and megalomaniacal sense, which prospective residents are worthy of inclusion and what values the community will stand for.

As such, Abrego Road and Picasso Road will be excluded from the city. This area houses some of the poorer students and local residents and, let’s face it, they just do not think like the rest of us. The new city will, however, include the Frisbee golf course located directly in the center of this area, as it is extremely fun. This is not to imply that our city planners are being unfairly selective – at a town hall meeting it was decided that Goletans smell bad and will not make the cut, either. They are a menace in elections and threaten the homogeneity of our opinions.

The city of Isla Vista will, however, include the shopping center containing Costco, Border’s and Home Depot. Granted, I.V. residents comprise only 50 percent of the work and shopping force at this center, but in the long run, the plan means more tax revenue for us. Not that we haven’t made other provisions for future of our independent financial viability.

Isla Vista is the last great boomtown of the west, and county government is no longer sufficient. Because the UCSB campus will be included in the new city, Tidal Wave II and the overwhelming influx of new students will maintain vitality in I.V. and provide hefty revenue. The commercial loop will be maintained with one exception: Cityhood mandates a certain amount of revenue sharing with the county government, and Sam’s To Go will have to be forfeited as our fair share. However, the Bacara resort will be annexed to compensate. Also, an enormous property tax will be levied against landlords in order to fund the implementation of rent control. These revenues will be funneled into much needed city projects, including road repair, sidewalks and beach access. A City Council will be formed to implement these designs and function as the administrative unit of the city government.

The council will be composed of 13 seats, two which must be filled by UCSB faculty, two by I.V. Recreation and Parks District members and none of which are to be filled by any member of the A.S. government. The master plan will be scrapped in lieu of the aforementioned public works projects, and the IVRPD will oversee all land use issues (as a side note, Ellwood Shores will also be contained within city boundaries because butterflies kick ass). Housing will be thoroughly inspected and a special task force will be attached to the IVFP to pursue delinquent landlords.

I.V. Wow! is dedicated to the realization of this cityhood proposal. We feel that it is complete because it addresses pertinent needs and excludes anybody who would stand in our way. Remember that if we are to achieve our vision, the community of dreams, we must support the city of Isla Vista.

Of course, it might just be easier if Goleta Now! quit the egocentric bullshit and started working with members of the UCSB/I.V. community to create a city built for all. But who are we to talk?