There are a few things in this life that make me cringe, but nothing does the job quite like accidentally making direct, skin-to-plastic ass contact with a public toilet seat.

Most quality bathrooms are furnished with some sort of ass shield, ranging from elaborate disposable seat covers to the simple extra roll of bun-wad.

But in the absence of such “assentials,” your choices are to either hover and hope that your quads don’t buckle, or to just do the nasty and sit down. Either way, your tender cheeks are destined to plop down on that mysteriously warm, sticky slab of plastic at some point.

Good luck.

Tuesday’s forecast: Highs in the 60s, accompanied by a 100 percent chance that you will put a cork in it until you get home.