Dear Gov. Bush,

Let me begin my application for United States Drug Czar by saying that these are dark, dark days, Mr. Bush, and you know it. The country is divided. Empty words of “reconciliation and healing” won’t change the minds of millions who’d strangle you in a dark alley if no one was looking.

Millions of patriotic, God-fearing Americans feel swindled and duped, and their frustration is warranted. Crooks and jackals ran this election like some scum-sucking, Third World rent-a-democracy. Millions of U.S. veterans are rolling in their graves.

Here we are in 2001 – satellites in orbit, GPS trackers in cars, fiber-optic wire up the ass – and we can’t properly elect a president? Cazart! Like O.J. Simpson, we all know who should’ve won, and we all know how it really went down.

Surround yourself with as many oil-baron minorities as you can find, Gov. Bush, but it still won’t help. Here in California, most voters would rather lick the cantankerous loins of a Venice Beach crack-whore than face four years with you near the Big Red Button. My personal fear lies with that Sanhedrin of a Supreme Court you’ve inherited, but that’s another letter.

Gov. Bush, at heart I think you’re still a rich college boy, and I can identify with that. Almost a quarter of UC Santa Barbara’s student body could be labeled “rich college boy,” and many of them like cocaine. I understand the psyche and – for reasons too long-winded to deal with here – I’ve come to respect it. You flew jets and dodged that senseless massacre called Vietnam. I call that a good move. You started a baseball club and made millions – also a good move.

Aside from being wholly unqualified for the office of President of the United States, I think you’re an admirable guy, and you genuinely want to do good for America. With that kernel of faith in humanity, I offer my expertise for the position of National Drug Czar.

The outgoing Drug Czar Gen. Barry McAffrey is a worthless fool, and the pathetic state of the War on Drugs is a testament to his incompetence. He threw $100 billion of America’s money away during the last four years and has zero improvement to show for it.

Don’t listen to his doctored numbers, Gov. Bush, Swine McAffrey is a liar and his statisticians are drunks. Drug use is up. D.A.R.E. didn’t work. D.A.R.E. did more than fail: it lied to and encouraged a generation who is munching ecstasy like Pez.

My National Drug Plan will save America at least one trillion dollars within the first two years and untold trillions over the decade. It will make you the most beloved American since Elvis, and history will note you with honor. I, myself, expect to receive a harem of Swedish models for my efforts, but this is negotiable.

What you must come to terms with, Mr. Bush, is the fundamental reality that all Americans are avid drug users: alcohol, nicotine, Prozac, caffeine – these legal drugs kill millions and cost billions, and yet they remain on the market. Americans consume more pharmaceuticals per capita than all the Asians combined. Billions of dollars are made, taxed, regulated and controlled because of a simple distinction between legal and illegal. Tobacco and alcohol lobbies, very keen on avoiding competition in the market of altered reality, heavily protect this distinction.

As Drug Czar, my first two referendums would be: 1) to nullify all legal/illegal drug distinctions, except those based on genuine harm to a person’s health, and 2) the release of the 1.2 million nonviolent offenders wasting taxpayer money in this nation’s prisons.

This sudden influx of poor minorities would be offered work, building thousands of new public colleges, which this nation could afford upon their release. Similar to the New Deal, but without the debt, the mass release called Exodus 2001 would destroy the Democratic voting base by tying the Republican Party to the return of untold thousands of family members needlessly incarcerated.

Also, by nullifying all legal/illegal distinctions in drugs we could begin production of cocaine, heroin and all other drugs currently supporting foreign cartels. Madness, you say. But it isn’t. Four hundred billion dollars leaves America every year in the form of drug money. That money goes to wars and dictatorships and no small amount of trouble for global endeavors.

As if drug use doesn’t cost America enough, does the money have to leave our economy and be pitted against us? Of course not. Lightly tax and regulate the new income, and your Republican cronies would have billions to pork barrel for all their pet projects. Help keep America strong, Gov. Bush. Change the motto from “Just Say No” to “Do American drugs, and Americans’ work.”

These first two referenda must be accompanied by a billion-dollar advertising media blitz, showing clearly and persuasively how much money we’re saving and how it will work. The people believe the TV, and no media company could stand the whiff of cold hard cash when it comes to advertorials. More than that, Gov. Bush, we would be doing right in the eyes of God, and He would be on our side.

My qualifications for Drug Czar include several years of field study with major-drug-using populations and extensive experimentation, for research purposes. I’ve also received the Santa Barbara Council on Alcohol and Drug Abuse’s Tree of Light Award for my brilliant anti-drug tactics.

I’m ready to commit to the War to End the War, and if you’re ready to trust your gut, we can go down in history as geniuses. Your other option is to ignore my words, play patsy to Satan’s special interests and be chased from office by a nation on the verge of mass homicide.

Stick with me, Gov. Bush, or stay away from any poorly lit alleys. The choice is yours.

David Downs is the Daily Nexus Features editor and Daily Friday editor. Once appointed U.S. Drug Czar, he will be referred to as his High-ness.