With summer just starting up, UCSB students are searching for that perfect darty outfit staple. One student, Teah Tee, found one that she claims “totally finishes all of her outfits” — a piercing of the nipple variety.
However, soon after impaling her twins, Tee found that her piercings –– with all their chafing, tearing, and wardrobe malfunctions –– were quite a hassle and ended up interfering with her schoolwork. “No worries,” she thought, marching down to the SRB to apply for the Disabled Students Program (DSP).
“I just, like, can’t focus on my MCDB 1A class,” Tee said. “My piercings are taking so long to heal, and they keep getting stuck on my mesh tops and the blood ends up RUINING my outfits instead of finishing them!”
Tee feels that after all of the pain and trauma she went through to get her piercings, which she alleges “are a gift to everyone who sees her,” she deserves to have special accommodation from the school to aid her in her studies. Her accommodation requests include: extensions on all of her assignments, extra test-taking time and a row to herself in her lecture hall so no one will accidentally bump into her sensitive, sensitive piercings as they recovered from their trauma.
Tee’s application for DSP was reportedly not accepted due to “a profound lack of necessity,” and the disability specialist that reviewed it supposedly found it grossly offensive.
“Yeah, she’s always talking about how bad they hurt, but she says that it’s a pain she ‘endures for beauty,’” one of her fellow classmates said. “She calls her boobs ‘morale boosters.’”
And boost morale, they do! When not gently caressing her nickel-studded nips, Tee reported feeling more confident than ever. Even without being granted DSP, she remained optimistically perky. Like a car with new headlights, she felt her future was bright.
Natalia Pearce wishes her mom would let her get a nipple piercing.
Emma Demorest is the assistant editor of Nexustentialism. She once licked the largest wooden yoyo in the world.