Last week the University of California Regents announced that they will be lowering tuition for the 2018-19 school year by a whopping $60! Wow, that’s a whole 0.5216484089723527 percent of your annual tuition!
If you have no fucking idea how you’re going to handle this massive amount of money, fear not! Your friends at Nexustentialism are here to help you spend your newfound riches. Below are some things you can buy for $60. Go ham, Gauchos!
1. Part of a textbook:
College students on average spend up to $1,200 per year on textbooks alone. Thanks to the Regents, you now only have to worry about paying for the remaining 95 percent of your textbook costs!
2. Five dining commons swipes:
Everyone knows that food insecurity affects approximately half of all college students but, worry not, because the Regents have come to the rescue! With your discounted tuition you can purchase five — that’s right, five — dining hall swipes! This is really quite a deal, as UCSB has four dining halls, so you get to eat at your favorite one twice! Pro tip: make the most of that $12 swipe by going on days where you can easily sneak a couple pieces of overripe fruit and maybe even a slice of potato bread out in your backpack.
3. A selfie stick:
For all you dayger fiends, this will make video footage of your rad partying lifestyle so much sicker! Your selfie stick will help capture wider angles that really encapsulate the “I’m trying to make my high school friends jealous” vibe.
4. A portion of your rent:
Trying to make ends meet to support your dope I.V. lifestyle? This tuition decrease could contribute to roughly 10 percent of one month’s rent! Noice! If you’re feeling financially stable, you can keep those big bucks tucked away for when your landlord inevitably bills you for some bullshit cost (“$347 for blind cleaning” my ass).
5. The Arbor:
Do you know how far $60 can take you at the Arbor?? That’s like…15 croissants! Nothing inspires the jealousy of your peers like rolling through the Arbor with $60 burning a hole in your pocket. Maybe you’ll even catch a new honey’s eye with your big spending … Go buckwild!
6. The Bookstore:
You no longer have to wait for those weird quarterly sales in the middle of the UCen to buy seasonally inappropriate UCSB gear. Now you can buy your very own proclamation of school pride and crippling student loan debt at full price! Go for the quarter zip, you know you’ve always wanted it.
7. Your unbreakable Uber habit:
Try as you might, there are just some nights (and days) you just can’t get yourself to walk from the 65 block to 67. No judgement.
8. Hoe clothes:
You’d be surprised how much money it costs to wear such little clothing…
With your super awesome discounted tuition, there’s no need to feel guilty indulging in your late night Freebirds or buffalo chicken cheese fries. The calories don’t count until you hit your $60 limit.
No explanation necessary.
Hannah Jackson will inevitably spend her $60 on her unhealthy relationship with Panda Express.