Do you like cats?
Do you have a cat?
Do you own one or more clothing items or accessories that feature cats?
Do you find yourself wanting to approach stray cats on the street?
Do you find yourself wanting to stay home on a Saturday night, watching “She’s the Man,” with a furry friend under one arm and a pint of Rite Aid vanilla ice cream under the other?
If you have answered yes to any of these questions, you may have been infected by Toxoplasma gondii, a parasite that infects its host with an irrational attraction toward feline species. Below is a comprehensive diagnostic test, created by the Center for Disease Control (you know, the one that saved us from Ebola), that establishes whether or not you have been infected. The test is simple. Read the three paragraphs below. Once completed, find the nearest cat and objectively observe your response. If your response is positive, you are diseased. Seek medical attention immediately.
Toxoplasma gondii Test: Version C
- They feed off of your resources: Basically, cats are the fuckboys of domestic animals. They are the Chad that does everything in his power to fuck Rebecca, and once he reaches his goal, he avoids Rebecca like she is a common CALPIRG solicitor. And even though Rebecca gets nothing out of this, she still, for some unknown reason, wants nothing more than for Chad to love like acknowledge her. The only time cats even acknowledge that you are a living, feeling creature, is when they are trying to get something from you, like food. And once they get what they want, they’ll ghost you for a little bit, as they have no interest in building any real relationship. They’ll only hit you up once they get hungry again by nestling their head against yours, the equivalent of Chad sending Rebecca a 3 a.m. “U up” text. They rub their scent all over you, marking you as their territory, basically telling other animals to back up. This sheer and immature jealousy denatures you into a piece of property. You are a flunky minion. Don’t let your cat, an animal that pisses in a bucket, own you.
- They spread parasites: Cats host the parasite Toxoplasma gondii in their reproductive tracts, happily giving the parasite a warm and stable home, providing it a perfect destination for the parasite to reproduce and spread. Cats then shit the parasite out so the parasite can weasel its way into the brains of small animals, slowing their reaction time and attracting these helpless snacks to the smell of disgusting, acidic, cat piss. Cats lure these small animals out of hiding, only to brutally and savagely murder them with their retractable claws. Oh, but don’t feel left out, the parasite is not only for small animals. No, the T. gondii parasite affects more than 30 percent of humans. So, if you have ever found yourself wondering why people shit on cats endlessly, you have most likely been infected. Some advice: check yourself before you wreck yourself.
- They eat you: Just like any other parasite, cats actually feed off of humans. No joke, in 2008, a Romanian cat ate her owner’s corpse after she passed away in her home. According to “postmodern predation,” cats are all psychotic mommy and daddy eaters that eat their owner’s dead body after they die. It does not matter to cats that you were an amazing owner. They will still attack your lifeless flesh, focusing on your lips and nose, robbing you of the ability to have an open casket funeral. Cats literally eat humans, reducing us to something less than human, food. They also prey on smaller, innocent creatures, for shear joy, like bloodthirsty psychopaths. Every year, cats kill 20.7 billion smaller animals and are responsible for the extinction of 33 species. One-third of their typical day is spent hunting and killing these defenseless creatures. It is not that they need to kill smaller animals for food. Oh no, they kill just to kill, like genocidal brutes. They take home the carcasses of their kills like souvenirs, giving validity to their reputation as the “friendly neighborhood serial killer.”
You have reached the end of the Toxoplasma gondii Test. Now, find the nearest cat and objectively record your response. If you are repulsed by their parasitic, ungrateful nature, congrats. You are sane and healthy. If you still feel an attraction to them, then there is a 100 percent chance you are diseased. Seek treatment immediately, before you end up buying a cat, which is exactly how the spread of the T. gondii parasite is perpetuated. Remember, you do not like cats because they are lovable, you only like the ungrateful social parasites because you are infected. It is no coincidence that cats are designated as the heartless sidekicks of wicked witches.
Claire Horsley is a labrador owner, yet based on a personality test that was found DEEP in her deleted history, she tested to be 78 percent cat person.