Ah, spring. What an absolutely mediocre season. For every good thing you can think of, something else has to swoop in and counter it. Graduating? Well, deal with the allergies first. Trees in bloom? Gotta wipe all those damn petals off of your car hood.
No, there’s not really a point to this little anecdote. I just wanted to ramble. So here’s a few films to look out for in the upcoming season. And much like the season itself, they’re a mixed bag. So I implore you, please read on as I spew word vomit about each of these films that I may or may not see, but will whine about like a pretentious twit anyways.
“Solo: A Star Wars Story”
Ever wondered what Han Solo’s origin story was? No? Too bad, they made a movie out of it. Much has been made of how Phil Lord and Chris Miller (masterminds behind “The Lego Movie”) had to be fired because they were deviating too far from the tone of Lawrence and Jon Kasdan’s script, necessitating their replacement with Ron Howard. I am torn with this film: Despite its production issues, I hope that it will be good, considering that Kasdan is writing it and it seems like it will deal more with the criminal underworld of Star Wars, as opposed to the whole been-there-done-that good versus evil hokum. I also hope that it sucks because I gain sustenance from the tears of Star Wars fanboys whining about how each of the new films somehow ruined their childhoods.
I will give “Deadpool” credit. Despite that its story and villain were the quality of on-campus toilet paper, the sheer strength of Ryan Reynolds’s performance as the titular character sold me, the whole planet and studios everywhere on the power (and potential profitability) of the rated-R superhero film. If “Deadpool 2” keeps up the self-deprecating, self-aware and hyper-violent nature of the first film, then I have no doubt that it will be a riotous affair. Just, please, let there be more to the antagonist than the fact that he shares his name with a brand of soap.
“Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom”
I loved the late Michael Crichton’s books, and I admire the man as a writer. I also acknowledge that he was a bonafide jackass—he slandered one of the critics of his global-warming-denial book State of Fear in Next — and I still think this movie looks like it will be a cruel stain on his memory. That’s how bad of an impression the trailers left on me. Unless this movie somehow lands at least an 80 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, I’m going to say skip this one.
“Avengers: Infinity War”
Thanos, the big purple meanie, has come to Earth, and that means every single Marvel hero has to come together to whup his ass. “Infinity War” is the culmination of 10 years’ worth of movies and god knows how many characters all stuffed into two hours of runtime for a no-holds-barred beatdown of CGI characters flying at each other on screen in what I expect to look like a small child banging action figures together with hapless abandon in an orgy of plastic, CGI fakery. No matter how good or bad the story will be (I don’t imagine that it’s going to be anything mind-blowing), it’s definitely going to be one hell of a sight.
“The Incredibles 2”
Fourteen years later for us, two seconds for the Parr family. In this sequel, Mr. Incredible must deal both with the prospect of his wife Elastigirl overshadowing him in the hero community, as well as his youngest son Jack-Jack acquiring a plethora of highly destructive powers. I am sure that a decent chunk of us all grew up on the first film, so it’s undoubtedly going to be rather strange to watch these characters again since none of them have aged with us. Although Bob Odenkirk’s character is obviously the bad guy based on the trailers, I am excited to see what the Brad Bird sequel we’ve all been clamoring about for so long holds in store.
I was going to write a joke about video game movies being masterpieces and then say something about not being able to write that with a straight face, but I’ll just be blunt. I think this movie looks stupid. But unlike “Jurassic World 2,” which I think is destined to rise alongside classic sequels like “Cars 2” and “Thor: The Dark World, “Rampage” at least looks like it’s compensating for its mind-numbing vapidity with a decent dose of self-awareness and humor.
The Rock plays a scientist who’s befriended a silverback gorilla named George. George starts growing to monstrous heights and has to fight off two more mutant animals: a crocodile and a giant flying wolf. If nothing else, this will serve as a decent snack while we all wait for “Godzilla 2.”
We pay Alex Wehrung to be a snarky sack of shit. Doesn’t mean you have to listen to him.