As the year comes to a close, Eggbert takes time to reflect on some of the advice he’s given over the course of 2017 and add any additional wisdom he’s picked up along the way.
Q: Hey, Eggbert. So the other day I crashed into my crush while riding my bike. We both got pretty scraped up. How can I ever talk to her again, let alone get her to like me?
A: Consistency is the key to any healthy and lasting relationship. Run her over again to show that you care.
Additional Wisdom: Ah, yes. I remember this. I stand by this comment, but the only thing I would suggest would perhaps be hitting her harder the second time. If you hit her just hard enough, you could have the opportunity to take her to Student Health or even a hospital without causing any lasting damage! At any rate, I hope this relationship turned out well.
Q: I’ve heard of some pretty nasty shit that goes down at the dining commons. Is there a way to eat well on campus?
A: No. Look forward to the 15 pounds you will gain this fall. Perfect timing to keep you warm for the winter!
Additional Wisdom: Yes … this is true. Alas, I did not realize that this fate would befall me, too. In the months since I’ve given this advice, I’ve grown from a sprightly one-foot-tall height to a grandiose six feet tall. From where I hail, I was large initially. Now … in this state … I could never show my face again on my home planet. Mostly because it’s so large that it would frighten my entire family to death. You freshman 15-ers have it easy. I suppose my advice now would be for you all to shut the hell up.
Q: Hey, so, I’m not really sure what this is, but my tour guide said I could send you questions about life at UCSB. So … is the party scene really all it’s hyped up to be? I’m a little concerned I won’t fit in because I don’t really like to go out.
A: Yes, UCSB is really all that it is hyped up to be, maybe even better. If you don’t like to go out, you won’t like it here. Try touring UCLA.
Additional Wisdom: UCLA is still boring. No amount of time nor wisdom shall ever change that. Next!
Q: I totally procrastinated doing a really big paper for one of my upper-division English classes! What should I do, Eggbert?? Do you have any advice on how to get the creative juices flowing?
A: No. I am a naturally gifted writer and thus I never encounter any issues expressing myself with the written word. I have a particularly beautiful command of the English language, which is why I have taken up residency on this campus. If you don’t already possess this skill, I cannot make you any better. I would suggest you eat the pages of a good book, digest it in full, defecate it, then turn that into your professor, since that’s as good as you’re going to get. It’ll take half the time of writing a full paper, too!
Additional Wisdom: I would formally like to apologize to all university faculty, staff and the greater community for this one. I take full responsibility for the sudden and overwhelming influx of “shit” on this campus, and I deeply regret it. We have all suffered.
Q: To what extent does Weber’s Protestant ethic apply to Karl Marx’s theories on capitalism in regards to modern free speech movements in private businesses?
A: Meow, meow meow Meow-Meow meow m e o w, meowmeowmeow. Meow meow, mew, mew mew, meow meow meow. Meow.
Additional Wisdom: Meow, meow meow Meow-Meow meow m e o w, meowmeowmeow. Meow meow, mew, mew mew, meow meow meow. Meow.
Eggbert the Alien is sincerely glad 2017 is almost fucking over.