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If you follow the ever-so-inspirational and always positive life mogul, DJ Khaled, then you know that he likes to leave his viewers with the utmost important advice and keys to success that, if followed, will ensure you go far in life. But have you ever stopped to think what DJ Khaled’s keys to success would be should he come to I.V.? Well, wonder no more, because I have compiled a very, very, very important list of major keys to success while living in the beautiful slum that is I.V. They will ensure that you get through college with ease. Bless up.

1.) Get Freebirds nachos after a drunken night out. They don’t want you to eat well, so you’re going to eat well, and you’re going to get guac because you deserve it.

2.) Go to the beach. Give thanks to the most High for allowing us to live so close to the ocean.

3.) They don’t want you to find parking, but when you do, give thanks. Parking is very hard to find. Very, very, very hard to find.

4.) Working out? Major key. Let’s ride with Khaled through the journey to more success.

5.) Buy anything other than Keystone Light and plastic handles to drink. Don’t ever play yourself.

6.) Bagel Café? Major key. Make sure you eat your egg whites.

7.) Make it to class even when you might be hungover. They don’t want you to succeed, believe me. But UCSB students know how to work hard and party harder.

8.) Good music is a major key to any good party in Isla Vista. Bless up.

9.) Pull all-nighters if you have to. They never said making it would be easy.

10.) Finish the loop. Some people can’t handle success. WE CAN.

11.) One-dollar slices at Woodstock’s? Another one.

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Ride with us through the journey of more success.