Survey results were recently released that ranked UCSB alumni among the “least dateable”. Personally, I think these results are entirely absurd. UCSB alumni are among the greatest in the world, and include amazing people such as Michael Douglas, Jack Johnson, Harvey Levin, Robert Ballard and, of course, Steve Aoki. Mr. Aoki graduated from UCSB in 2000, with two B.A.’s in Feminist Studies and Sociology, and is now a prominent musician, producer and founder of Dim Mak Records. Only a fool would consider him undateable. To prove why he represents many other Gauchos as definitely the most dateable alumni, I have prepared a list of things Steve Aoki could probably do.
1) Command the Galactic Empire by way of luscious locks of hair.
2) Destroy the Galactic Empire with just a wink of an eye.
3) Bestow unto the Pope his real divine power.
4) Warn everybody that winter is coming but not to fear for his sick beats will warm them up.
5) Save the Wizarding World with one flick of a wand and an epic crowd-surfing session.
6) Make Great Britain very upset.
7) Smash MLB home run records just because he can.
8) Appreciate the precious things in life.
9) Travel through space and time in a Police Call Box.
10) Go down in history as a treasured piece of artwork.