You’ve been here nearly two weeks now, so let’s not hide the excitement — you’re away from home, you’re with new people who didn’t know the high school you, you’re starting anew … and you see deliciously fine people who live in close quarters. Very close quarters.
Take it from your seasoned humper here — great fun looms in the fornicating future of your dorm room days, but I’m sure more than one of you will have a few hurdles to leap over along the way.

I’m stuck in a triple. Halp.
I know it seems like a disadvantage. The more roommates, the more people you have to surreptitiously kick out for your sexy time satisfaction. I’m here to assure you, however, that just because you’re cemented to the tripling scene doesn’t mean you’ll be sex-deprived.
Usually, a triple plays out in a few common scenarios. The first is that your roommates are laid back, tolerant or never home. Hence, your partner will journey his or her way down a few rooms (or an entire residence hall, if you’re into inter-hall intercourse) to your magical lair, and the deed will be done, easy-peasy. The second is the reverse situation where your partner has the tolerant roommates or, better yet, lives in a double or single. Don’t complicate your newly blossoming roommate relationship when the buddy you’re bangin’ has a perfectly wonderful rooming situation to make use of. As for the third scenario? Well, let’s just say that the more the merrier, and if y’all are down, might as well get down.
There is, of course, the possibility of doing the nasty while your ‘mates (the living kind) are still in the room, whether snoozing along their REM cycle or distracted by a movie on their laptop. I advise you to tread carefully here because this one’s a bit sticky. Some might enjoy the idea of exhibitionism — even if the voyeur never meant to be one at all — and will find the notion of sex with others in the room an exciting, dark and dangerous thrill. However, many others will deem this act disrespectful and highly awkward. After being on both sides of the spectrum, I maintain that it’s better to be safe than sorry. Communicate with your roommates and don’t fuck with the rule of respect. Everyone shares a space, so honor that.

The dreadful sin called sexiling.
Believe me, it can be dreadful. Since we’re already on the topic of honoring the space of others, let’s talk sexiling. For those unfamiliar with this godforsaken term, sexiling refers to the typically unceremonious “exiling” of your roommate(s) from the room during your act of libidinous lovemaking. To give you an example, when my boyfriend was sexiled during his freshman year, he was forced to take his bedsheets outside and sleep in the hallway. Was he allowed to sleep there? No. Was he acting more spitefully than was proper? Maybe. But that’s what sexiling does to people. It makes them into bitter gremlins. Bitter, bitter gremlins.
To avoid bitter gremlinhood, I suggest you have a clean, calm conversation with your roommates about your copulating needs. There’s no denying sex, and there’s no denying that as first-years (or any years) stuck in the cage called a shared dorm room, it will be very difficult to copulate freely. Don’t lose hope, however. Humans are flexible, adaptable beings. Talk it through, set up a system and buy them extra ramen. It’ll be all right, you’ll see.

Lofted bed is lofty.
After the initial wave of novelty in a lofted bed dies down, the unfortunate reality of your bunked mattress is that sex up there isn’t the most convenient. Didn’t screw your bolts in right? You’ll be clanking and rocking your very own earthquake for the victims living below you. Put the bed up too high? Have fun bonking your brains out on the ceiling when you sit up to stretch. Need a paper towel to clean up? Or did you just realize that you need to pee right here, right now and right away? Sorry brah, take the ladder down your misery cot first.
To be honest, besides delofting (literally and figuratively), there’s no real solution to your elevated bed, especially if you’re in a triple and can’t afford to lower it. The best thing to do in this case is to be prepared. Have some paper towels or tissues ready for a last-minute cleanup. Wedge your condoms between the mattress and bed frame instead of deep inside your drawer that you need to climb down for. Make sure your bed is secured and sturdily lofted before you buck-and-bang. I feel you on your troubles, but you might find your circumstance educational, if anything. After all, like our good pal Albert Einstein once said, “The only source of knowledge is experience.”

Turn down the volume, will you?
It’s Sunday, post-brunch. After a filling meal from DLG or Portola, you sink into your desk chair with your anthropology book or some math assignments that you’ve long procrastinated on. It’s all smooth going at first. Easy reading, easy scribbling of your pencil on the paper … and then shit doesn’t just hit, but ruthlessly demolishes the fan. Those low, lusty moans turn into powerful grunts and groans, thundering yelps and yips and ear-splitting shouts and screams. Forget homework — let me cleanse my ears first.
There’s nothing wrong with loud sex … when you’re not disrespecting others during the course of it. Of course, it’s difficult to maintain self-restraint, especially when you’re reaching the point of no return, but the inevitable reality is that halls and halls of your peers are stationed right above, next to or below you.
Usually the people who have constant, loud sex are proud of their noise, embarrassed by it or unaware of its actual volume. Screamers, just close those damn windows. I know it gets hot in there, so consider investing in a fan and taking a nice, relaxing shower afterward. As for the fed-up listeners, pluck up some courage and overcome your passive aggressiveness by tactfully — yes, tactfully — confronting the loud lovers. More often that not, however, the sad truth is that the noise will not go away. The libido is insatiable, so the best way you can work around the situation is move away from the ruckus. Change up your environment and work in the lounge, UCen or Davidson Library. These spaces were made to accommodate you, so be sure to take advantage of them.

While the issues of dormitory sex life are abundant indeed, fear not. Humps always prevail. Feel free to shoot me a message about any of the issues mentioned above, or, better yet, send over a juicy story about your current or previous res hall raunchiness. I’m all ears.
R. Pengsta can’t stop and/or won’t stop humpin’.