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Sucks to Suck Part Two: Going Down on the Cabbage Patch



…and for those of you who don’t know, that’s my favorite way to describe one sexual act that too many guys seem to overlook: cunnilingus. Now as a gay man, it should not surprise you that just the idea of eating out a girl used to make me shudder, and that’s coming from someone who eats out ass for pleasure. There’s just something about the vagina that makes many straight men a little nervous. They expect head as if it were a necessary precursor to sex, but girls don’t expect oral in the same way because getting it depends on whether or not guys are willing to give it. As such, I’m here to give everyone some advice on going down and eating out so that everyone understands that both guys and girls should be getting theirs when it comes to oral sex.

First of all, one problem I’ve noticed a lot of girls talk to me about, is the fact that many guys aren’t naturally inclined to go down on them. When foreplay is going on, a guy might grab a girl’s head and push it down to his crotch to signify that he wants dome, but a girl doing the same is often considered lewd or taboo. If this is a problem in your sex life, you need to tell your man that you want to be eaten out, and if he’s not willing to reciprocate, start to think about whether or not he really cares about your needs — girls who want oral sex should be getting oral sex.

Furthermore, I’ve also talked to many girls who are afraid to be eaten out. In the same way I was nervous about having my ass licked by sexual partners for a long time, girls can be uncomfortable about guys going down on their vaginas — nervous about how it looks, tastes, etc. Now I’m not saying that every girl needs to be eaten out, but I will say that a lot of this self-conscious fear stems from the fact that guys don’t give head as often as they get dome, and as a result, girls aren’t accustomed to how guys will react to their pussies head on. Still, what I’ve learned over time is that being eaten out more often helps alleviate this self-conscious fear and makes you realize that your entire body — face, curves, labias, clitoris … everything — will be sexy and beautiful to the people having sex with you if they really do feel a sexual connection with you.

Once the preparatory fear of cunnilingus is overcome, some of the other problems couples have regarding oral is that not all guys know how to do it. I have lots of girlfriends who will admit that they’re not very good at head and want to get better, but interestingly, every single one of my straight friends will argue that he “gives the best head his girl has ever had” or “always makes his girl come when he eats her out.” My response — that’s bullshit. Guys need to realize that they’re not born with some innate, superhuman ability to force orgasms out of girls with their tongues, and that many of the orgasms they think they’ve given are really just pleas to end shitty head — fake orgasms. ‘Sup guys, want to change that? Then listen up, because there’s always room for improvement in sex, and the first thing you need to realize about oral is that it’s not that hard to give. Nonetheless, you need to be prepared to hone your skills with some or all of the following tips:

1. Make sure she’s wet. If her vagina is dry when you start to eat her out, the experience will be dry as well, so finger her a bit to build up moisture in the area and make sure to part her lips before digging in so different parts of the vagina are exposed for maximum pleasure.

2. When you begin to eat a girl out, don’t pretend that your tongue is a penis and stick it in and out of the vagina like a hummingbird digging for nectar. You want to spend most of your time licking up and down the clitoris, a hotspot of pleasure in girls at the junction of the labia minora (inner lips) of the vagina. Clitoral orgasms are actually the most intense a girl can have — yes, stronger than G-spot orgasms — so if you want a girl to scream in real pleasure and not fake boredom, focus most of your oral attention here.

3. Just as you expect girls to use their hands during blow jobs, use yours when going down. Pinch her nipples, rub her midsection and stop giving head every couple of seconds to kiss other parts of her body while fingering her clit — these changeups will excite her sexually and leave her guessing as to what you’re going to do next.

4. If you’re really inexperienced when it comes to servicing the vag, write your name or spell out the alphabet on hers with your tongue. This might sound strange, but it’s an easy way to create pleasure if you don’t have much skill going down on a girl. In doing this, you will very quickly learn what tongue movement patterns your girl responds to best, and can better respond to her specific oral needs.

5. They might call it blow, but occasional sucking on the labia (lips) of a girl can actually create lots of pleasure for her … do this, and she’ll be sure to come in no time.

6. Apply pressure with your tongue. Lots of guys think that eating out a girl involves just licking her vagina, but in reality, applying pressure with your tongue creates very pleasurable sensations for her that will result in a very intense orgasm that she probably won’t see coming. Even if you’re just eating her out for foreplay, this pressure can build up sexual tension that can help ensure her orgasm when you’re actually having sex — something that many men fail to give.

7. Watch her face. You’ll know what your girl does and doesn’t like based on the faces that she makes when you eat her out. In watching her body language, listen for her moans and watch for moments of displeasure, because in doing that you’ll quickly learn how to best eat out your girl in a subtle way that doesn’t involve you having to literally ask her.

8. I don’t think I’ve ever written an article that didn’t involve this next tip, so as I always advise, communicate with your partner. While I did just say that watching her body language is a nice way to be less awkward about finding out what she likes, building a healthy sexual relationship with someone also involves proper communication to ensure that both parties are comfortable and happy during all sexual acts.

In closing, there you have it: my guide to oral sex. From here on out, never again believe that it sucks to suck, or be afraid to take a trip down to the cabbage patch. Great oral means great foreplay, and great foreplay means bigger orgasms and better sex. Guys, don’t be afraid to go down on your girlfriends, fuck buddies or even one night stands, because girls who receive good head are much more likely to give it in the future. As my straight roommate often says, dive into that pussy like the deep end of a swimming pool and make waves. Big. Fucking. Waves.

Matt Togni is very, very happy to be gay.

Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are submitted primarily by students.
A version of this article appeared in the Wednesday, April 23, 2014 print edition of the Daily Nexus.
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2 Responses to Sucks to Suck Part Two: Going Down on the Cabbage Patch

  1. Tegalondon Reply

    July 11, 2014 at 11:12 pm

    Dat was super gr8t

  2. Dirty D Reply

    June 8, 2014 at 4:32 am

    OMG. Wow. If every man had this at pre-teen, all of us women would b happier species. I tried getting my ex to do just this as u explained. Of course he did just the opposite. Yes yes yes. That’s how I want to be ate out!!! Fucking aye! Ugh. Just to find a man now to do it!! I’m really horny now. Fml

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