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Exposing the Flaws of Sex-Positive “Feminism”

True feminism is all-inclusive. It doesn’t leave anyone behind, and it certainly doesn’t make any woman feel worse about who she is, what she has experienced or what she desires to experience. It doesn’t marginalize. I am just five weeks into an introductory Women’s Studies course at a community college — a watered-down, slowed-down, truly basic course where we haven’t learned much at all — yet we have learned at least that much. It’s an elementary fact.

Yet, many of the ideas I hear labeled as “feminist” in contemporary discourse are not inclusive at all. The most aggressive of these misled, modern manifestations of feminism — at least in my experience — is sex positivity.

My understanding of the sex-positive movement, in its ideal form, is that it aims to end all negative perceptions of sexuality — to end slut shaming, kink shaming and the Madonna-whore complex. It aims to educate and to spread awareness of the female anatomy and understanding of the female orgasm. I don’t disagree with any of these goals; I disagree with the way sex positivity has trickled down — the way I hear it expressed by real people in real conversations.

I have been told by sex-positive “feminists” that the solution to any problem, or to any anxiety, is casual sex. I have heard physical arousal prioritized over emotional connection and trust so many times that it makes me nauseous. No, I’m not repulsed by your enjoyment of casual sex; I’m actually very happy for you. I’m repulsed when you tell me how I should feel about sex —that my aversion to it is irrational, that my desire for a deeper connection is silly. Don’t ever tell anyone that his or her very real, very legitimate feelings about sex are silly. You have no idea what that person has been through.

The sex-positive movement is the most marginalizing force I have ever experienced. Now, that says a lot about my privilege. I’m white, cisgender, middle class … and I don’t label my sexual orientation, but I can sure as hell pass for straight. I had a decent lot in life, until I attended UCSB and accumulated a number of experiences with physical, psychological and sexual abuse.

The sex-positive movement didn’t cause those experiences — misogyny and rape culture did. But as a survivor of all of that, I find that the way that sex positive “feminists” treat me is incredibly problematic.

I identify as a survivor of sexual assault. I identify with a number of the mental disorders that accompany such survival. I identify as the girl hitting her head against the drinking fountain outside, trying to stop the flashbacks that were triggered when a sex-positive “feminist” made the (perhaps unconscious) decision that her right to express sexual freedom superseded the right of others to feel safe.

Hyper-sexualized language is triggering. Aggressive sexual imagery is triggering. A fellow student once opened a porn gif on his phone and held it in front of my face, in a situation where I physically could not walk away from it. I don’t know if that was micro or overt, but it was passed over as sex positivity, when it was nothing more than marginalizing aggression. And that wasn’t the first or the last time that sex positivity forced me into panic, while its advocates brushed off my feelings and experience with three words: “It’s just sex.”

I don’t hit my head on drinking fountains at UCSB anymore. I took a leave of absence because the culture made me feel so small. Sex positivity drove me 300 miles away, where I am now five weeks into an introductory Women’s Studies course at a Bay Area community college.

That’s my story. I won’t tell you any more about it, so as to avoid gross overuse of pathos. You shouldn’t need the full-length tragic account of one survivor in order to sympathize with this issue — it’s much simpler than that.

The statistics vary, but in one report by the Centers for Disease Control, 20 percent of female college students reported having been raped at some point in their life. Rape is also drastically underreported. That means at least one in five college women are survivors of sexual assault. Most, if not all, of those women have a much more complicated relationship with sex than sex-positive “feminism” is willing to acknowledge.

Those women matter. Those women are a minority, and they have had their voices taken away in a more profoundly psychological way than any other marginalized group. Those women deserve to feel safe, to not be triggered everywhere they go. They deserve to rediscover and redefine sexuality on their own terms, in their own time.

I’m sure that all the self-identifying sex-positive “feminists” reading this article have been offended every time I put “feminist” in quotes, but that’s the point I’m trying to make. Sex positivity is a movement with many admirable goals, but the reality of it has stretched into something that marginalizes survivors, asexuals and anyone for whom sex is more complicated than simple consent and the distribution of orgasms. When a movement begins to marginalize, it ceases to be feminism.

I’m not saying that sex positivity needs to end — I’m saying it needs to change. It needs to acknowledge the complex relationships women have with sex. It needs to acknowledge survivors.

I recently attended UC Berkeley’s production of “The Vagina Monologues,” which celebrates female sexuality, but places equal emphasis on the reality of sexual assault. At the end of the show, the emcees asked audience members to stand or otherwise indicate if they indentified as survivors. I experienced a small convulsion, as my immediate response was to stand, but when no one else stood, I felt a flash of the shame that had plagued the past year of my life. Then, as I sat there mortified with my knees locked, I saw a hand go up. Slowly, across the room, women began to raise their hands, and I raised mine as well. None of us had the courage to stand, but we were all there, and we were not few.

In my experience, survivors are the quietest people you will ever meet. They have been made to feel small through many aspects of our culture, with sex positivity being just one of the drops in an ocean of oppression. But if you give them a chance — if you let them feel safe — the survivors have absolutely the most important things to say.

The author of this piece wishes to remain anonymous.

A version of this article appeared in the Thursday, February 20, 2014 print edition of the Daily Nexus.
Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are primarily submitted by students.
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7 Responses to Exposing the Flaws of Sex-Positive “Feminism”

  1. Anon Reply

    May 11, 2014 at 6:28 pm

    You are defining “Survivors” the way you are claiming Sex-Positive feminist are defined. As a rape survivor myself I see Sex-Positive Feminism as a way I can reclaim my sexuality and heal from past trauma. I also would not engage in emotionally-unhealthy sex and wouldn’t tell anyone how to live their sex life. Worldwide women are sexually oppressed and it shouldn’t be that way. On an energetic level sexuality is the life force energy and we should be able to own that power and use it as we wish without fear.

  2. Meredith Reply

    May 4, 2014 at 7:49 pm

    Really great piece. I applaud you for speaking up about this. Good luck in your healing <3

  3. Becky Reply

    March 19, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    “True feminism is all-inclusive.” This should be the guiding principle for women’s studies at UCSB.

  4. Anti-feminist Reply

    March 17, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    “The statistics vary, but in one report by the Centers for Disease Control, 20 percent of female college students reported having been raped at some point in their life. Rape is also drastically underreported. That means at least one in five college women are survivors of sexual assault”

    This is totally bogus nonsense from the fascist feminist femocracy. Only THREE (read 3) women even REPORT rape in an average year at UCSB. Since some of those reports are very probably false given the ridiculous ‘rape culture’ programming that UCSB is notorious for, the number of REAL rapes is probably even lower.

  5. catherine Reply

    February 24, 2014 at 4:33 am

    I can’t stand the term “sex positive” because it insinuates people like you and I don’t like sex and slaps the “prude” lable on us. It’s misleading and unfair. I’m not even sure what it means exactly. Does that describe my son’s friends who are girls (18-19 Yeats old) who think it’s absolutely fine to comment to each other how “hot” they are and who have zero problem with watching a typical degrading cable show like “True Blood” and coo over it? Ah. Little do these brainwashed women realize they have been socialized since birth, that our porn/rape culture is the norm and that’s how women are perceived. It amazes me how women simply turn the other cheek and over look what is happening to women today. I never looked the other way and I never will. Women need to wake the hell up.

  6. Iamcuriousblue Reply

    February 22, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    “I have been told by sex-positive “feminists” that the solution to any problem, or to any anxiety, is casual sex.”

    I don’t know what kind of ‘sex-positive feminists’ you encountered, but that’s more than a bit of an outlier. I don’t know any sex-positivist (feminist or otherwise) with half a brain that would say something like that. Sex-positivity is indeed positive about casual sex, but is also positive about other choices, such as monogamy, asexuality, or whatever. The important thing is that the individual is free to chose what their sexual practices and identity, without religion, ideology, social pressure, or coercion forcing people to do things they don’t want, or conversely, preventing them from consensual acts and interactions they desire. Also, I seriously doubt that even the most enthusiastic casual sex-positive person with any intelligence at all would say casual sex is a solution to all of one’s problems.

    I also have no idea whether the student who shoved the porn image in your face ID’d as “sex positive” or not. If so, they definitely need to relearn “Sex Positive 101″ starting with the importance of consent. What they did was wrong, no matter how they ID.

    But as to “triggers”, that’s a two-way street. Just like it’s not OK for anyone to deliberately shove sexual (or any other) imagery in your face, one can’t expect life to come with “trigger warnings”, nor should people have to keep their legs crossed, avoid revealing clothing, keep quiet about their sexuality, or otherwise stay in the closet about their sexuality for fear of triggering abuse survivors.

  7. Andrea Reply

    February 20, 2014 at 1:49 pm

    I think this is a great reminder of how good intentions can be triggers and drastically affect survivors in a negative way. I won’t get into the politics of labels and terms but I would like to say that I think that sexuality is something to be embraced and I believe in empowerment through knowledge. With that said, I think that if the sex culture at UCSB drove you as a survivor to leave, then this campus has failed you and something needs to happen to change that. Thanks for having the courage to share this.

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