Opinion / Satirical Musings

Woman Receives Life-Changing Advice From Obscure Website*

Local student Laura Criss says her life has drastically improved after discovering the website 1000LifeHacks.com this summer.

“I once had to do everything the hard way,” Criss said. “But now, I have the answer to everything.”

1000Lifehacks.com allows users to submit facts and tips that assist with daily life tasks and troubles. “Life hack” is a term derived from 1980s hacker culture, used to describe increasing efficiency or solving an everyday problem in a clever way.

Criss has acquired countless new skills, ranging from household tricks to relationship advice. She wrote down a few examples:

#891. Use toothpaste to clear up hazy car headlights.

#871. Sweater shrank too much in the dryer? Use baby shampoo to stretch it back to its normal size.

#526. Women will be more receptive to you if you compliment their abilities and skills

more than their appearance.

#1007. Fifteen minutes of laughter has the same health benefits as 30 minutes of sit-ups.

#998. The Calvin Klein “Obsession” scent should never be used when going into the

woods. It attracts cheetahs, tigers and jaguars.

#751. Stack your clothes vertically to easily find your favorite shirts.

#1029. Never say “sorry” to another driver after a car accident. It’s an admission of guilt

and could be used against you in court. In fact, you’re probably better off just being a

huge jerk after any type of accident.

She keeps records of remedies to rid her house of fruit flies, heal paper cuts, remove blemishes, save money and decipher messages from the opposite sex.

Criss’ peers used to nag her by asking for things like pens and gum during class. Now she carries an empty gum package to ward off eager classmates. Another problem that previously plagued Criss was her constant arguments with her boss about her tardiness. As advised by the website, Criss violently punctured her car tire with a nail and then took a picture of it. Now, whenever she is late for work, Criss can use the picture as proof that she has a flat.

Criss also made improvements to her apartment that may seem out of place to the unknowing observer. However, she claims that they have drastically increased her quality of life. Lifehacks taught her to keep her shoes in the freezer to make them smell better, and to hide her liquor in hollowed-out baguettes in case her landlord or parents stop by.

“Apple cider helps treat moles, warts and skin tags,” she said. “So I went out and bought 24 gallons of apple cider … Now I take a bath in it every day. Bam! Life hacked.” While it takes a little extra work, she assures us the rewards are worth it.

For years since the Fukushima Disaster, Criss lived in fear of contracting radioactive poisoning. Thankfully, the website informed her that the survivors of Chernobyl were drunk at the time of the notorious nuclear energy plant disaster. She now drinks throughout the day as a precautionary measure to ward off poisonous radiation.

“It’s a whole new way of life,” Criss said. “It’s like I found an instruction manual for my life … and I intend to read every page.”

Risa Weber is a third-year communication major, and yeah, she’s still obsessed with Snoop Dogg.

*This article is intended to be read purely as satire.
A version of this article appeared in the Wednesday, February 12, 2014 print edition of the Daily Nexus.
Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are primarily submitted by students.
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