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Mending Sexual Mishaps



This girl I’ve been seeing is so SO terrible at giving OTPHJs … I really like her, so I don’t wanna hurt her feelings. Is there a way to tell her nicely?

Dear troubled sir,

You are not alone. People everywhere suffer from a similar problem: being unable to communicate sexual preferences with their partners. The fact of the matter is, people have to learn at one point or another. This girl you’re with probably has no idea that she’s rubbin’ you raw; she probably thinks she’s doing you a favor. Let her know next time because she’s probably not a mind reader (and if she is, she’s probably just a sadist who likes to watch you squirm). It can be as easy as, “Slow down a little,” or “Try to loosen your grip.” You don’t have to make her feel inadequate, just give her some tips so she learns and gets better. I guarantee you that she could give you a few pointers, too, and once that door is open, better sex awaits. Also, don’t forget the positive reinforcement. When something changes for the better, get excited about it.

 

I want to have a threesome with my boyfriend and a friend from back home. I don’t know how to bring this up with my boyfriend, and I’m worried that he’ll take it the wrong way. What should I do?

Threesomes are a lot to handle — that’s a lot of moving parts. This is a sticky topic, no doubt about it because someone always feels left out or jealous, especially when it’s with a serious partner or someone you know well. I would not recommend springing this on him with details, because you might get a “Fuckyousaid?!” if you do. Poke around a little, see how he feels about threesomes in general before you get specific. Then if he seems into it, you can suggest something more concrete, but you have to be prepared for the fact that you still might get a nice, clean “Fuckyousaid?!” Also, you might consider dumping the boyfriend if you’re feeling so sexually attracted to someone else. Either way you decide to go with it, be prepared for things to change in a big way.

 

From start to finish I’m only getting about 10 minutes in, on average. After seeing all these videos of guys going for like 45 minutes and reading about fucking Sting going for like 36 hours straight, I’m getting the feeling that I’m doing something wrong. Help?

First of all, Sting is a sex machine — literally a mechanical tool, if that is true. I feel so sorry for his partner because the sheer stamina that would take is baffling and somewhat terrifying. Nonetheless, relax! That’s the best piece of advice I can give you. Most studies on the matter show the average and/or optimal duration for intercourse to be contained within the range of three to 13 minutes. Granted, that does not include foreplay, but if you’re actually having sex for 10 minutes, you’re much closer to the optimal time than Sting is … he’s way off. So, take a breather and, if you really are concerned about lasting longer, look into 1) getting in better shape 2) controlling your breathing 3) focusing on your partner instead of yourself. Other than that, take a deep breath and get ready for round two!

 

This girl told me that she was a virgin, which was fine, but later, when we had sex, she didn’t bleed … was she lying to me?

Don’t worry; she probably wasn’t lying to you. Virginity isn’t about whether or not a girl bleeds when she first has sex, since many girls have “broken” their hymens without ever having sex. Now, I won’t go completely middle school sex-ed class on you, but basically, a girl will bleed during her first time only if her hymen and the tissues around it have never been stretched to the point that they stretch during intercourse. And on a bike-riding, yoga-crazed campus like this one, just think of how many women have already reached that point just from doing their everyday routine. Plus, a lot of the time, that first-time bleeding is actually just because the girl is too nervous, and therefore tense or poorly lubricated. So actually, the fact that she didn’t bleed probably means that she was turned on and comfortable … good on you, mate.

 

I’m all for a guy being in touch with his feelings, but I recently had sex with this guy for the first time, and he cried afterwards? I really like him, and the sex was good, but I’m not really sure how to deal with this.

When you orgasm, your body is releasing a shit ton of crazy hormones (all scientific terms) into your body. The high levels of dopamine can make you feel gloriously happy and giggly when you climax, or the euphoria can get a little bit overwhelming, and you might end up a little bit weepy. Don’t worry about why it’s happening; it probably confirms that the sex was great for him too. Just know that it’s very common, but also that he might feel a little bit emasculated after this happens. Help his ego out by being vocal about how much you enjoyed it.

 

The guy I’ve been hooking up with is really reluctant to use condoms because he says they make it harder for him to orgasm, so he prefers the pull-out method. I don’t want to get pregnant … will the pull-out method suffice?

What?! Sacre bleu, no! This is where Sam puts hir foot down. Did you learn nothing in sex-ed? First of all, the pull-out method is going to do absolutely nothing to protect you from STDs, so good luck with that. Next, it is definitely still possible for you to get pregnant, even if he doesn’t come inside of you. In fact, literally, the only cool thing about the pull-out method is that you can also call it coitus interruptus … which sounds classy as hell … still not saying you should do it though! So now that you’ve managed to make me sound like your mother, here’s some real advice: If the problem is the condoms, then he should try out some different types; some men prefer polyurethane to latex, or maybe a different shape or size will make a difference. You absolutely have access to condoms here, whether it be at 7-Eleven, or, if they’re sold out of everything but Magnums (it’s happened), at the Student Health center (fo’ free!). And if he keeps insisting on going raw dog, the problem might be him …

Sam the Oracle is all-knowin‘ when it comes to humpin‘. Hir sex tips are so good, it’s been rumored that George Clooney chose to study under hir as his personal guru. Comment on this post with your own questions and ze might just give you what you need.

A version of this article appeared in the Wednesday, February 5, 2014 print edition of the Daily Nexus.
Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are primarily submitted by students.
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One Response to Mending Sexual Mishaps

  1. Anon Reply

    February 5, 2014 at 9:47 am

    Your preferred gender pronouns are excellent.

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