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Sticky Situations Unstuck



I was hooking up with this girl and I think she literally peed on me, so I dipped out of there real quick. What the hell happened and why did it happen?

What you experienced, my friend, is the result of female ejaculation, otherwise known as squirting or gushing — not peeing. First and foremost, go back and apologize for leaving because she was paying you a compliment. Female ejaculation usually occurs as a result of repetitive stimulation of the “G-spot” and accompanies an orgasm that is more intense than the ordinary. The liquid that you saw, once again, was not urine. The surprising part, however, is that this liquid is secreted by all women during orgasm. Most of the time it is absorbed directly into the bladder, but for some the contractions force the liquid out causing a visible female ejaculation or “squirting.” Next time you see this happen, be grateful because you know you’re doing something right. Or maybe she thought you were into the “golden shower,” in which case … it probably was pee.

 

This girl I’ve been seeing screams her brains out every time we have sex. I’m scared someone is going to think I’m hurting her and call the cops. Is there a way to bring this up or help her be less vocal?

As everyone who lived in the dorms knows, vocal sex is not at all uncommon. Some scientists believe that moaning, or screaming, is a biological response in primate species that evolved to attract more males to mate, thereby increasing the female’s chance of fertilization. Other studies have shown that women moan as a way to express their pleasure (or pain in other situations), or even just to make their partner feel more confident. Feel free to ask what the situation is for her, it may well be uncontrollable in which case you should take that moaning as a big compliment and stop worrying about it.

 

Every time I’ve tried shower sex it ends badly. I don’t know if it’s that I can’t find the right position or if it’s just not possible with my body. Is there a trick to it?

Shower sex can be difficult, especially because the showers in Isla Vista are hardly big enough for one person, let alone two people trying to get weird. The fact is, it is going to be more awkward than the usual bed situation: There’s water flying in your faces, you’re bumping into one another and if you fall, you could both die. Just don’t fall and try some of these suggestions:

Receiver backs into the wall and wraps leg around the giver’s hips while giver holds receiver’s leg and uses the other hand freely.

Giver lies on the ground with knees bent, receiver straddles and grinds into giver.

Receiver leans forward and rests hands on the wall, giver enters from behind.

 

Why are guys so weird about kissing me after I give them head? I mean, I don’t really care after they go down on me, so what’s the deal?

The Oracle hears about this happening all the time, and it has got to stop. Guys, that’s your body that she’s been pleasuring; she’s doing you a favor. Now do her a solid, and get over your weird fear of accidentally tasting your own semen. That’s not going to happen, and if it does, well … now you know how she feels. If you deny her a kiss after she’s worked so hard for you, she’s going to feel dirty and unwanted … and she might stop coming back. Also, while the Oracle’s at it … can we stop with the whole “pushing the girl’s head down” thing? There’s a lot a girl has to think about while she’s down there (suppressing gag reflex, keeping rhythm, stimulating testicles, remembering to breathe), and that’s not really helping.

 

My girlfriend is always going to the bathroom right after we hook up … what’s she doing in there? I have this crippling fear that she’s texting all of her friends about how bad the sex was …

Dude, first of all, chill out. Second of all … you’re going to be sorry that you ever asked. I’ll let you in on some knowledge that is commonly known to women and completely baffling to men: Girls have a lot of stuff going on down there. I know, crazy scientific, but basically, whenever you have sex, there are a lot of foreign bacteria getting in places where it just shouldn’t be. Doctors recommend that girls urinate after sex just to flush all of those bacteria out of the area, therefore helping to prevent the contraction of urinary tract infections. And trust the Oracle: if your girl has one of those, the last thing she’s going to want to do is hook up with you. Also, maybe you’ve never taken the time to ponder this, but what goes in must come out, and therefore, if you didn’t use a condom, she might be dealing with some strange dripping (another argument for condoms). Basically, it’s very unlikely that she’s in there talking about you; she’s just keeping up her hygiene, and she should be commended for it. Now you guys can have a nice, long cuddle (the Oracle insists) without her having to worry about what’s going on down there.

 

The guy I’ve been hooking up with always wants use the same, standard position with him on top. I’m getting kind of bored down here; how can I get him to change it up?

If you want to get what you deserve, you’ve got to start using your words. If you’re scared of hurting his feelings, don’t be; your partner isn’t going to be able to read your mind, and sometimes, in the heat of the moment, they might get greedy and forget that you have needs too. It happens to everyone, but it can easily be fixed with good old-fashioned communication. The best way that you can get your partner to try something new without killing the mood is to make it all about your partner: “I wanna be on top of you,” “I think this will feel better for you,” etc. Or, try just embracing your inner dominatrix and command of your partner what you want him to do; sometimes, the more obvious, the better. Pre-planning can also be helpful; if you’re still in the early throes of foreplay, throw them up against a wall or a chair so that your starting point isn’t the boring old bed. Hey, if you’re looking for a place to start, might I suggest you look directly to your left and check out our Position of the Week?

 

I have a ton of sexy lingerie that I bought for an ex, and I kind of want to try it out on a new manfriend. But I’m nervous … is it going to freak him out?

The Oracle cannot tell a lie; I’ve heard about times when the lingerie has indeed freaked a partner out. Those men must be fools, but Oracle also sees how this could make for an awkward situation. If you and your partner are not very serious, they might take this move as a sign that you’re trying to take the relationship to a new level. Although, anyone out there who subscribes to this thought process should drop this idea right now; any time that your partner tries to introduce something new into the bedroom (also applies to new positions or props), they’re just trying to spice things up. Be open to new things, but if there’s something that you’re deeply uncomfortable with, you can always respectfully decline. In terms of the lingerie issue, I’d say go for it. But don’t just rip your clothes off and take your partner by surprise; it’s much more fun to give yourself a little buildup. Tell them you have something special planned, or you have a surprise. If they don’t react well, or if you get cold feet at the last minute, you can always excuse yourself for a quick bathroom change. But above all, the Oracle thinks you should do whatever you decide to do with confidence. You got this.

Sam the Oracle is all-knowin‘ when it comes to humpin‘. Hir sex tips are so good, it’s been rumored that George Clooney chose to study under hir as his personal guru. Comment on this post online with your own questions and ze might just give you what you need.

A version of this article appeared in the Wednesday, January 15, 2014 print edition of the Daily Nexus.
Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are submitted primarily by students.
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