Opinion / Wednesday Hump

2014: Year of the Hump

Every New Year’s Day, millions and millions of people wake up and tell themselves, “This is my year to get fit, donate to charity, get organized and learn an instrument.” Sadly, far too many people forget about these resolutions within the first week of January because these resolutions are BORING.

I can’t think of many people who don’t want to be more fit, kind, organized and/or talented, but the fact is that most people don’t want to put work into something that doesn’t immediately produce results.

That, my dearest friends, is why we are going to use sex to get these ideas to stick just a bit more firmly than they otherwise would — a method proven to be effective by every advertising firm, ever. (We watched a lot of Mad Men over Winter Break…)

 

1. Get Fit.

Being in good shape (which does not necessarily entail having a flat stomach or enormous biceps) will benefit you in more ways than you can imagine when it comes to sex.

  • Being in shape is proven to correlate strongly with having confidence, which subsequently helps to reduce anxiety when it’s time for the clothes to come off.
  • A background in fitness helps build breath control, a crucial aspect of both enjoying a long-lasting bedroom session … and sounding sexy during it.
  • Working out helps build muscle, encourage flexibility and increase aerobic endurance … Let me count the ways in which these will benefit your sex life: You can enjoy longer-lasting and more powerful erections, less leg cramps, less panting, more control over your body, the ability to move yourself around to find that perfect spot and a greater freedom to try new positions that might require you supporting yourself or your partner. Basically, get fit so you can get wild.

 

2. Be Charitable.

According to a study conducted in the U.K., exhibiting noble behavior makes both sexes appear more sexually attractive. Therefore, not only will doing charity work make everybody else happier, but it will eventually make you quite a bit happier, too. Although there are different forms of charity, most of which we highly encourage, we are going to teach you the spirit of charity in the bedroom in the hopes that it will translate seamlessly into your public lives as well.

  • Go down on your partner just because. It doesn’t always have to be a special occasion. This can really spice your night, morning, lunch break, etc. up. (This is even doable on a first date, given the proper circumstances, especially in Isla Vista).
  • Try something you know your partner is into, even if you think it might be a little strange. He likes leather — wear some! She likes football — put some pads on! The options are endless.
  • A bit of subtlety, for a change, is always a nice surprise: a massage with candles can do wonders.

 

3. Get Organized.

This is the perfect time to reevaluate all of your relationships: If you’ve been dating for a while, make sure things aren’t going stale. It’s the beginning of the quarter, so take this time to figure out a good schedule that allows the two of you to get that quality time in before you get too busy with school and work. Try to find at least one night that will work as date night for this quarter, and commit to that.

We also know that a Gaucho’s preferred relationship status is something along the lines of, “We’re just having fun,” and that half the fun of having a hookup buddy is the spontaneity of those late-night booty calls, so don’t try to stifle those with organizational thoughts. But if you’re not getting your needs satisfied, yet you keep going back to that one person based on sheer convenience, it’s time to try something new. Remember, there are plenty of fish in the sea … hot, buff, generous, knowledgeable fish… And if you’re in a position where you could possibly be bringing someone home in the near future, get organized first.

 

  • Keep your room clean; it’s hard to get steamy in the sack when said sack is full of Doritos crumbs … ew.
  • Take an inventory of your Socks&Sex drawer and restock: candles, condoms, oils, toys and props … basically, if you’ve ever been mid-hookup and thought to yourself, “Damn, I wish I had a [blank] right now,” use that Amazon gift card you got as a holiday present to treat yo’self to some personal shopping … thanks, Aunt Karen!
  • It may be a new year, and a new you, but don’t think everything that happened in 2013 is now magically erased…if you don’t see where we’re going with this, we’re suggesting it’s a good time to get tested, for you and your partner’s sake (see, you’re being more generous already!) Between the resources offered at Student Health and those at the Planned Parenthood downtown, it’s the one resolution that you have no excuse for not keeping.

 

4. Learn a New Instrument.

Acquiring a new skill can do wonders for you, especially in the bedroom. Once again, we’re not going to preach that you go out and buy a guitar so that you can serenade your partner; we can’t all be Brett Dennen. But each and every person who is interested in having and/or maintaining a sexual relationship has talents that they can learn or further develop in the bedroom.

  • Become an expert on the physiology of sex. Buy a book on anatomy, watch some videos online or ask your partner for a tour. No matter which way you do it, do your best to learn how to better reach something, or tickle something else and make yourself and your future partners happy.
  • Find something you think the sexual world is lacking and become a master at it (sometimes trial and error is the only way). For example, learn how to do a great strip tease, give excellent oral sex, last for hours on end, talk just the right amount of dirty or kiss better than anyone ever knew was possible. All of these skills are available to learn from a simple internet search — you have no excuse.
  • Learn how to relax in the bedroom. Everybody can better themselves in this respect. Feeling comfortable with yourself is not easy, but it sure is important. This one might take some time, but if you can figure this one out, guitar should be no problem. In fact, you should write a book to let the rest of us in on your secrets.
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