Police Blotter

While trick-or-ticketing the fertile hunting grounds of Del Playa Drive this weekend, Santa Barbara Sheriff’s deputies stumbled upon an 18-year-old man in possession of a criminal quantity of Halloween spirit.

Officers approached the suspect on the corner of DP and Camino Del Sur after noticing the savage’s attempt to hide a distinctive blue bottle — later identified as a partially-empty fifth of Skyy Pineapple vodka — behind his back.

While the exact wording of the officer’s salutation remains unknown, the cliché “reach for the Skyy, punk” would have likely been applicable as the man initially resisted deputies’ efforts to remove the precious nectar from his possession. Summoning his inner wild side, the juiced juvenile used the bottle as his personal machete and took a determined swing at one officer. While Pineapple Skyy may be good at knocking out freshmen just graduating from wine coolers, it was significantly less effective on trained law enforcement officials; the suspect was quickly disarmed and muzzled up with a personal pair of handcuffs.

Despite his constraints, the fermented-fruit-sipping fiend was not yet ready to throw in the towel. When officers discovered a glass bottle of marijuana in the boy’s pocket, he took advantage of the distraction and, having already lost the fight, went with the other instinct and scrambled down Sabado Tarde Road with his hands still cuffed. Though cuffs can often make people quicker in the bedroom, the same cannot be said for the cantering criminal, who was quickly chased down and tackled … again.

The suspect ended his tropical tonic-fueled adventures along with several other primal pals in the Santa Barbara County Jail.