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Police Blotter

While trick-or-ticketing the fertile hunting grounds of Del Playa Drive this weekend, Santa Barbara Sheriff’s deputies stumbled upon an 18-year-old man in possession of a criminal quantity of Halloween spirit.

Officers approached the suspect on the corner of DP and Camino Del Sur after noticing the savage’s attempt to hide a distinctive blue bottle — later identified as a partially-empty fifth of Skyy Pineapple vodka — behind his back.

While the exact wording of the officer’s salutation remains unknown, the cliché “reach for the Skyy, punk” would have likely been applicable as the man initially resisted deputies’ efforts to remove the precious nectar from his possession. Summoning his inner wild side, the juiced juvenile used the bottle as his personal machete and took a determined swing at one officer. While Pineapple Skyy may be good at knocking out freshmen just graduating from wine coolers, it was significantly less effective on trained law enforcement officials; the suspect was quickly disarmed and muzzled up with a personal pair of handcuffs.

Despite his constraints, the fermented-fruit-sipping fiend was not yet ready to throw in the towel. When officers discovered a glass bottle of marijuana in the boy’s pocket, he took advantage of the distraction and, having already lost the fight, went with the other instinct and scrambled down Sabado Tarde Road with his hands still cuffed. Though cuffs can often make people quicker in the bedroom, the same cannot be said for the cantering criminal, who was quickly chased down and tackled … again.

The suspect ended his tropical tonic-fueled adventures along with several other primal pals in the Santa Barbara County Jail.



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4 Responses to Police Blotter

  1. Tom Nurthen

    April 16, 2013 at 10:27 am

    Traditionally home-made, wine coolers have been bottled and sold by commercial distributors since the early 1980s, especially in areas where their lower alcohol content causes them to come under less restrictive laws than wine itself. Because most of the flavor in the wine is obscured by the fruit and sugar, the wine used in wine coolers tends to be of the cheapest available grade. ‘

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  2. Altif Brown

    November 13, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    I completely understand the blotter and what not, and I only know the he was a minority because I was a passerby to this incident. I am well aware of the legal jurisdiction that the print media has and I respect it. And it was not the 1st nexus that I have read; but it definitely was the first time I’ve read the small sidebar.

  3. Altif Brown

    November 4, 2011 at 11:08 am

    Interesting story. However, to my own recollection this event happened on the 22nd of October NOT Halloween weekend. Furthermore, painting the picture of a young minority male being a “savage” who summons his “inner wild side” and uses a a bottle of liquor as his “personal machete” on “fertile hunting ground” seems a bit rash don’t you think. I mean, I’m sure he isn’t a hunched back Neanderthal. In Isla Vista there are many similar and even more extreme stories that do not involve minorities (I know that he was a minority student because I walked past this incident), yet when one does involve a student of color, the story gets front page coverage and skewed by the Nexus. Moreover, assuming that the young man has not even had a court date due to the recency of this case, this story could jeopardize his innocence due to the power of the media and the personal agenda of a writer.

    • regulator

      November 5, 2011 at 5:46 pm

      Altif: Congratulations on reading your first issue of the Daily Nexus! I say this because if you were a regular reader, you’d realize they have a weekly blotter that is almost always in a front page column!! Furthermore, nowhere in the article does it mention the suspect is a minority. This weekly column gets its information from public records at the IVFP station on Trigo. Nothing in here isn’t already available to anyone requesting the weekend reports, they just add humor to it.

      If the paper really wanted to “jeopardize his innocence,” they would publish the suspects name (they legally can).