I can’t help but feel that finding the right man for me is like ordering off of a menu. I’m picky about a lot of things but food and men are the top two. When I go to a restaurant I have the freedom to order onion soup without the onions; pizza without the cheese; pasta without the marinara sauce. I wish I could order a man the same way.

Are you ready to order?

I am 6 years old and I’m at my dad’s place for the weekend. He’s walking around in nothing but tighty-whities. My dad has curly chest hair, untrimmed arm pit hair and little hairs growing in random places along his back. To this day I will only fool around with a man who wears boxers or boxer briefs.

I’ll take one available man with a steady job that he likes and a side of lighthearted personality.

I am 10 years old and I’m at the beach with my mom. I see a man with hair all over his chest and back. He’s sitting with his wife and two kids. He looks like a gorilla.

“Mom, how could that man be married and have kids when he’s so hairy?”

“He’s the alpha male.”

“What does that mean?”

“You know, like the ape who is the leader of the pack. He’s a provider and a protector.”

I felt scared for what the future held for me. Of course I want a man who can take care of me but is that really what I have to look forward to? An ape-like husband?

Can I substitute the commitment issues with knowledge in world affairs?

I am 19 and I’m fooling around with Craig. We are in his bed and he’s on top of me. He sits up for a second to take off his shirt. Oh… my… God. I become hesitant of fooling around with any new guy because I’m afraid of what’s under his shirt.

I would also like a glass of Sexy.

White, brown or black?

Surprise me.

I am 20 and an actor I have a crush on walks into Whole Foods Market while I’m working. He asks me about vegetable powders and then he asks me out. I am about to say yes when I look down and see that he has spider legs trying to crawl out of the collar of his shirt. I turn him down and go out with a hairless idiot instead. I start to worry that I may miss out on a good man because I can’t get over my dislike of too much chest hair.

I’d like to add something to my order.

I’m 24 and I’m meeting Kevin for the first time. He is an alpha male. His stance is strong and confident but relaxed. His clothes portray the amount of money he has. He speaks intelligently. I feel this strong urge to have sex with him and carry his child, but not because I feel as though I met the love of my life. I guess it’s just that strange natural selection thing. What are these feelings? Do I really like this man or do I feel sexually attracted to him because I know that he can impregnate me very easily? I reach out to shake his hand and see the hair on his knuckles.

Can you 86 the hair, please?

I won’t go out with a guy who ties his sweater around his shoulders or wears pants so baggy it looks like he took a shit in them. But when I think about the deal breakers that I hold, most of them involve hair. I don’t want a Robin Williams where he’s got so much hair it’s even growing on his hands. A messy poof of hair on his head is out of the question. When I hug a guy with hair like that it feels like I’m putting my face into a gigantic bush of pubic hair. It’s chest, back and butt hair that really gets to me though. I can deal with a little happy trail but the thought of being underneath a man and running my fingers through his back hair is enough to make me gag.

Too much hair does not go with the kind of sex life I enjoy. How am I supposed to lick whip cream and chocolate syrup off of a man without it getting stuck in his hair? I can just imagine myself having to stop in the middle of what I’m doing so I can cough up a hair ball. I don’t even want to feel a man’s facial hair when he’s kissing my body and especially not when he’s eating me out.

I don’t ever want to be a housewife. I can provide for myself. I just want to feel secure in the fact that the man I am with will be there for me. I want an alpha male but why do they have to come with so much hair?

Tessa Cole is a fourth-year art major.