The Daily Nexus editorial staff selected Katherine “KittyKat” Friedman — Zumba enthusiast, onesie-wearer and self-proclaimed “gremlin” — as the next editor in chief in last Thursday’s controversial and possibly rigged election.
The sole human candidate, Friedman earned a default win over serious write-in challengers including two different varieties of sandwich (ham and meatball marinara). A second-year political science major, Friedman replaces Elliott Rosenfeld as editor in chief today.
“Katherine is boring,” now-former university news editor Maane “Mo’Problems” Khatchatourian said. “It will be the same old, same old — just a paper full of text.”
Friedman joined staff as a reporter her freshman year and worked as assistant university news editor this year. Many say she’s fit to lead, but still more staffers question Friedman’s motives.
“There’s no way she’s in it for the right reasons — she’s probably just trying to build relations with A.S. so she can swoop the presidency next year,” incoming university news editor Erika Martin said.
When asked about her obvious plans to subvert the Nexus and turn it into an A.S. propaganda machine, Friedman dismissed her grandiose schemes — like integrating a weekly dialogue between the A.S. executives and the Nexus or letting a family of rabbits roam the Storke office — as necessary ambitions.
“Nobody’s gonna give it to you — you gotta take it,” Friedman said.
Most concerning about KittyKat’s upcoming year under Storke Tower, Martin said, is that she is indecisive and shifty.
“If she can’t choose between a chocolate muffin and chocolate-covered grahams, how will she make the real decisions?” Martin, a third-year global studies and comparative literature major, asked.
On the contrary, Friedman’s predecessor Rosenfeld has plenty of faith in Friedman’s decision-making abilities.
“She’s probably going to kill most of the staff or at least maim them,” Rosenfeld said. “I wouldn’t call her a murderer, but she’s passionate.
Others had criticisms that came from more personal experience with da Kat.
“Katherine is a onesie-wearing, tweaking trainwreck,” incoming county news editor Madison “Maddog” Medeiros said.
Known for his massive muscles and frequent bouts of ‘roid rage, incoming news editor Garik Hauer, a third-year political science major, will serve as Friedman’s second-in-command and personal thug.
Despite her more controversial points, editorial staff members still find a warm place in their hearts for their new editor.
“I can sum up Katherine Friedman in one word: ghetto fabulous,” Hauer said. “It’s one word if you hyphenate.”