Free Willy
Feb. 12, 1:41 a.m. — Officers came across a man screaming, “Fuck the free world!” on the corner of Embarcadero del Mar and Seville Road. The deputies watched in a daze, wondering if they had been teleported back to a ’60s anti-realism brigade, as three cars did their best to maneuver around the individual. Suddenly, the wild man dropped his trousers, flashing the drivers as he laughed and continued yelling. The officers approached and tried not to look at his flaccid free willy swinging about. The cops struggled to sit the manic man down, catching him as he nearly face-planted in the middle of the street. Once seated, the individual explained that hewas merely a film studies major searching for inspiration for a new movie.
This guy clearly had not checked his calendar to remind himself that today was “no one gives a shit about your ridiculous ideas” day.
The man continued to say he was from out of town and not familiar with I.V., as if that was a legitimate excuse to drop his pants in the middle of a busy intersection. Eventually, he confessed to drinking and was taken to Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

If guys like this get into college, I give up…
Feb. 11, 11:27 p.m. — Isla Vista’s finest noticed a lonely straggler stumbling along Del Playa Drive. They looked on in horror as he tripped, barely avoiding a parked car and the curb right next to it.
The officers approached the man, sat him down on the curb, asked for his license and patiently waited as the guy fumbled with his wallet and dropped everything in his pocket. The out-of-towner kept saying his address was “Costa Mesa” and that he went to “OCC” community college, which told the officers this guy clearly did not know Isla Vista.
Officers then asked the community college champion to recite the alphabet. He made it to letter “D” before proclaiming, “Oh, this is hard.” He was arrested for public intoxication and taken to Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.