Oh, man. I’m so excited. I can hear you asking, “Why, Igor? What’s with all this excitement?” It’s because this article marks a whole new year of hard-hitting advice columns that will blow you so hard and so far away you won’t even know what blew you. Here’s a hint: It was me. But don’t get me wrong — I’m not doing this for the physical pleasure; I’m doing it because I love helping people. “Help me help you,” my grandmother used to say as she would gently massage my grandfather’s intestines to pass a stool. “Help me help you.” That’s the spirit of the upcoming year. E-mail your questions to dearigor@gmail.com. Now it be question time:

Dear Igor,
After a few weeks of living with my housemates this summer, I’ve realized that they’re disgusting. They don’t wash dishes or pick up their clothes or even change the toilet paper. I keep asking them to please be cleaner and do their fair share, and they keep saying they will, but nothing ever changes. What ends up happening is I clean up after everyone. I’m going to be living with them for all of next year, and I’m going crazy already, so what can I do to change their ways?

Thanks,
Frankly Frustrated

Dear Frankly,
You’ve come to the right place. You need to get your respect back, quickly, and it sounds like you may need to amend your personality for a few days. Here’s a little line that will get you on the right track: “Hey roomies, how about you change the toilet paper before I start wiping myself with your face.” If anyone doesn’t take you seriously, sit on his face and say, “Next time, no pants. Got it?” You basically want to scare them into thinking you’ve lost all touch with reality, and that if they don’t do what you say there’s a chance you might kill them. And honestly, if that takes buying an actual gun and waving it around as you scream at them, then more power to you. No one said winning respect was easy.

Dear Igor,
I’ve wanted to write to you ever since I first read your advice column, but I didn’t have anything to write about. Now I can write to you, though, regarding a specific incident that happened to me about one week ago. It has to do with sex. I had it. I had it with my boyfriend, and he called me by my name and it was very beautiful. That wasn’t the incident. The incident happened after we had sex. He put on my underwear.

Sincerely,
Concerned Girlfriend

Dear Concerned,
Thank you for writing in and sharing your incident with me. Usually people ask some sort of a question with their letter, and I noticed that you didn’t, which is fine, because your boyfriend likes to wear your underwear, so it’s almost like no question is necessary. At first I wondered why he put your panties on, but then I did a Google search for “Men wearing women’s underwear,” and I learned it’s surprisingly common. CoolSlyGuy4 says, “I think us men nine times out of 10 have tried on women’s underwear.” See, I didn’t know that. Really, it would have been weird for your boyfriend not to have slipped into your bra after sex. And actually, I don’t understand what the big deal is. You get to wear nice soft panties every day, while we guys are stuck with rough, abrasive boxers, which give us absolutely no support. If anything, you should be supportive of your boyfriend, since his underwear certainly hasn’t been. And look on the bright side: now the two of you can head to Victoria’s Secret together and pick out matching thongs. If that’s not romantic I don’t know what is.