Reader! We’ve made it. We have arrived at a milestone day. This is the ninth installment of “Dear Igor.” Pretty darn fantastic, if you ask me. To be honest, I never thought we’d make it this far. A name like Igor in the newspaper business? “It’ll never sell,” they told me. Well, they were wrong. All across campus, thousands upon thousands of Nexus issues were sold for free ninety-nine. To celebrate, I’ve decided to finally meet the 21st century. I have a new e-mail (dearigor@gmail.com), which is the new place to send your questions. And, for those of you that have advice withdrawals mid-week, you can now follow me on Twitter (@dearigor). I’m super excited. Oh, by the way, quick question, do you know what time it is? That’s right: advice time.

Dear Igor,

A few weeks ago, I met the cutest girl. She was sweet, adorable and a little shy, like me. On Saturday night, after a few consecutive weekends of flirting, we found ourselves heading back to her house. We head straight for her room and start making out on the bed. So we’re kissing and she’s kind of nibbling on my lips, and I’m thinking, OK, that feels kind of nice, so I nibble back. She giggles, but then bites down on my lip really hard. I rip my head back in shock and stare at her. She gives me the puppy-dog look and slowly brings her mouth back to mine. She kisses me softly this time, so I figure she understood I didn’t like the whole lip-bitey thing. We start making out again, and it’s awesome, and I’m feeling her fingertips trailing up and down my spine, which is fine until she digs her nails deep into my back, slices through my skin, and rakes her nails up to my shoulder blades. I scream and move away from her, clutching my back. She looks embarrassed and disappointed, and we end up just going to bed. Igor, I really like this girl, but I can’t handle the S&M. What should I do?

Thanks,

Love Hurts Sometimes

Dear LHS,

It sounds to me like your girl is a little kinkmuffin, and speaking from personal experience, the only way to calm someone kinky is to out-kink them yourself. Next time you’re with her, lick her toes for half an hour and tell her they taste like plump, smoked mini-sausages. Or, handcuff her to the bed, howl at the moon and tell her you’re a werewolf whose time it is to feed. I know you’re shy, but unless you want your back scratched to a pulp, you need to scare the crazy out of her. Otherwise, your friends will think you’re dating a raccoon.

Dear Igor,

Last weekend, a guy left his boxers in my room, and I was wondering, can I throw them away?

Thanks,

Boxers in Hand

Dear BIH,

No, absolutely not. There are rules for this kind of thing. If, for example, a sock is left, it can be thrown away immediately. A watch, on the other hand, must be kept for three weeks and a call must be made alerting the owner to its location. If after three weeks the owner does not attempt to reclaim his watch, it can be auctioned for a profit on eBay. Boxers, however, require a more gentle approach. After all, what if they were his lucky boxers? Do you know how important lucky boxers are to a guy? Why, if I lost my lucky boxers, I would be so upset because they’re the source of all my skills. So handle his boxers with care. Maybe throw them in the wash – I know he’ll appreciate it. But if he doesn’t come to get them within a week, burn them. They’re used boxers. Ew.