Hello there, it’s me, Igor. This column is due Sunday morning, and it’s Saturday night, and I’ve been drinking because my editor Nicki Arnold told me to be more advice-y because people have been writing in with real problems. But I couldn’t do it because it was hard and boring, so I thought I would drink and then try, which actually made it a lot easier. Here is my drunken advice:

Dear Igor,

I lost my job, and if I don’t get a new one within two weeks, I won’t have the money to pay rent. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Unemployed

Dear Unemployed,

You are unemployed. You have no job. That’s pretty sad. Ouch. Listen, a lot of people don’t have jobs right now. In fact, unemployment is at a 25-year high! What you need to do is figure out creative ways to make money. And no, prostitution is not the only way! But seriously, you need to think like an 11-year-old girl, because 11-year-old girls know how to make money. They sell lemonade and cookies and shit, and that’s what you need to do. Look, omg, big deal, you can get a job. Just work for the library or some shit. I worked for Uloop back in the day, but then they laid me off because they ran out of money. I guess that makes me unemployed. Wow, lucky for me, I have a job with the Nexus. By the way, did you know the Nexus pays $10 a word? Yeah, little known fact, but it’s true. That’s a big reason why the Nexus ran out of money.

Dear Igor,

My girlfriend broke up with me two weeks ago, and I’ve been really depressed ever since. Now she has a new boyfriend. I can’t stop thinking about her. Do you have any advice for me?

Thank you,

Sad and Lonely

Dear Sad,

Look, you little fucker, you think you’re the only one hurting? You think I haven’t been through a breakup? Huh? Huh? Well, guess what? I have. I’m going through one right now. And no, I don’t have any advice for you. Look what I’m doing. I’m fucking drinking! Do you think this is a mature way to get through this? Come on! Fuck you.

Dear Igor,

Finals are coming and I’m really stressed out. Do you have any strategies to calm my anxiety?

Thanks,

Frazzled

Dear Frazzled,

Yeah, jack off, buddy. I don’t even know if you’re a guy or a girl, but either way, you should jack off because that’s a great way to calm your anxiety. Another way is to get a massage. Mmm, massage your way out of stress. Look, you’re always going to have finals in your life. If you work in a company, the yearly audit is your final. If you’re in a relationship, the wedding is your final. But guess what, Frazzly Pazzly, life isn’t taken for a grade. Life is pass/no pass, and you’re going to pass. Look, seriously, finals are like, a little nothing in your life. Everybody’s like, “When you’re 50, and you look back, are you going to remember your Art History final?” And you’re like, “No.” Because life is about the experiences, and about… look, I don’t know what life is about, but I know finals aren’t it, because finals are like, ugh, and you’re like, wawhawah!

Daily Nexus advice columnist Igor Hiller is still hung-over, so be nice when you see him sleeping in class today.