Nexustentialism

If I Was an Octopus, My Tentacles and I Would’ve Owned the Dining Hall by Now

Well shit! My tummy just rumbled — a foreboding sign that the quest to the dining hall is soon to come. We’ve all dealt with the annoying inconveniences of the dining hall, from not being able to ...
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Festive! Sunday Scaries Temporarily Rebranded to Sunday Spookies

What a treat! Now, as you attempt to cope with the unbearable weight of the seventeen assignments you procrastinated atop your shoulders on a daunting Monday eve, you can think about two ghosts holdin...
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Horse Girl Actually Excited To See Horsey Cops This Halloweekend

Perhaps the only fan of Isla Vista’s horse-mounted officers, UCSB’s own horse girl, Filly Gelding, revels in anticipation to hear the clip-clop of hooves against the pavement each year.
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Shit! Pedestrian Painfully Aware They’ll Never See Hot Biker Again

Try not to stare. Stare anyway. Who cares? Everyone’s focusing on their own bike, listening to music and attempting not to crash. The eyes. The hair. The way their legs … move? They kind of pedal ...
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Snag to Drop Charade, Just Start Selling Drugs

Snag exists to serve the Isla Vista community,” Brohanski shouted (we’re not really sure why he was shouting). “And, frankly, the Isla Vista community is kind of a bunch of alcoholics with a stu...
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UCSB To Remove Lagoon

That’s right. Say goodbye to your favorite stinky puddle, to those mysterious, murky depths, beckoning … calling for you … yes … come closer … dip a toe in… No! No longer!
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The Official Nexustentialism Guide for the Bike Path

Tricycles always have the right of way. Because they’re so little and adorable, UCSB students always let the gaggle of toddlers who ride their tricycles go by first since they have to go home from d...
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Campus Alex Confused as to Why S.T.E.M. Majors Think He Is So Hard All the Time

What upsets Alex the most are the repeated attacks on his character and references to his genitals. “They always say I’m hard."
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UCSB Library Adds Two New Sides: Tree and Rock

Dedicated to that one rock by the Arbor and some tree that looks like all of the other trees on campus, the new sides of the library have already made an impact on student life.
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“No Eating Indoors” Rule Disappoints Local Whores

“I’m totally gonna miss getting sucked off in the lib,” said some guy who has definitely never gotten sucked off in the lib.
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Farting Man in Girvetz Must’ve Forgotten He Can’t Mute Himself

For this apparent flatulence fiend terrorizing Girvetz 2115, sphincter control appears to have been an oversight in the shift from online classes. 
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Did Quarantine Ruin Your Social Skills Or Are You Just Less Pleasant Now?: A Brief Guide

Hopefully this guide has illustrated the slight, but crucial differences between a post-quarantine slip-up and being an inherent fuck-up! Now go out there, have fun, and be safe! Or don’t, because y...
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UCSB To Combat Student Loneliness By Stuffing Seven Roommates In One Dorm

“We’re so excited about the opportunity of having a baker’s dozen students in one dorm,” the Director of Student Friendship Susan Poleman told Nexustentialism.
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Senior Dreading Seeing That One Bitch

With our return to in-person instruction, we all know we are bound to see that one bitch that can make our blood run cold and boil simultaneously. 
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Cottage Hospital Introduces ICU Bunk Beds

Patients at Cottage reportedly enjoy the new bunk bed experience. In addition to inter-patient intercourse skyrocketing 76%, patient morale seems to have been boosted by the new project as well.
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