Nexustentialism

I.V. 15-Person Trap House Requires Tenants To Share Four Free COVID-19 Tests

Isla Vista, California – In a scramble to get tested before the return of in-person classes, local trap houses are struggling to acquire tests due to the fact that walking five minutes to Loma Pelon...
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Munger Hall Fire Escape To Require Duo Multi-Factor Authentication

UCSB has announced that they will be expanding the use of Duo multi-factor authentication in order to make the fire escapes at Munger Hall as harmless and fun as possible. While the original plan cont...
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Cute! Your Valentine Got You a Bag of Milk

“A bag of milk?!” This second-year has no fucking clue what’s going on. “My boyfriend was hyping up this gift for me for about three months straight, and man, was I excited.
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Report: Some Guy Carter To Have Bitches

Carter makes sure to keep his Google Calendar updated so that both his assistant and the most dedicated of his women can keep up to date on what he’s doing and where he may be going.
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Our Little Cupid: Chancellor Yang to Wear Diaper, Tell Students to Kiss

Sporting a diaper and Cupid’s iconic bow and arrow, Yang intends to walk amongst us, looking for two kids he can totally ship together.
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UCSB Republicans Angered By Gender-Neutral COVID Test

  Last week, an email was sent out to the UCSB student body mandating booster shots and a COVID test administered between the dates Jan. 3 and Feb. 2. While most students accepted the logic of th...
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Social Justice Win! UCSB Implements Ball, Boob Holders in All Dorm Showers

Justice at last! In an effort to save face after his now infamous pay raise, Chancellor Yang agrees to install adjustable boob and ball holders in every UCSB dorm shower.  “I just can’t hold my b...
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Chancellor Yang’s Flop Era Lowkey Serving? The Student Body Weighs In

As tensions surrounding the return to online classes reach a breaking point, our favorite fancy chancy, Daddy Yang himself, is losing popularity faster than you can say “flop era.” Although the fo...
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A Heartfelt Message to DLG — Stop It.

After years of committing war crimes against their students, the staff of Nexustentialism tearfully beg the all-powerful entity known as De La Guerra dining hall to grant its students mercy by never s...
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Mold is Just a Friend, Landlord Promises

Feeling moldy lately? You and the homes of students in Isla Vista have that in common! Many students have found themselves calling up their landlords, worried about the ever growing presence of mold i...
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Backlash Over Gaucho Mascot, Deemed “Too Sexy!”

Time may be up for UCSB’s beloved mascot Olé, with claims that he is handsome, gorgeous and overall too sexy thrusting his design into hot water. The once beloved and unproblematic mascot, perhaps ...
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Graduate Student Win! UC Grants COLA to Nine Very Specific Employees

Siavash Ghadiri / Daily Nexus Zoom, Calif. —  Just before the pandemic began in 2020, graduate students at UCSB and around the UC system were protesting the University for a Cost Of Living Adjustme...
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Suite Life on Derrick? New Housing Plan Moves Students Into Offshore Oil Rig

Plans for the rig will feature 50 suite-style rooms, common areas, free petroleum, and a dining hall. Transportation will consist of a twice-a-day boat shuttle, and a damp towel will be provided to st...
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$580k Not Enough: Generous Students Start GoFundMe for Needy Yang

As empaths, Yang’s story of trials and tribulations is excruciatingly hard to hear, but we’re thankful that the customers of UCSB support their chancellor after everything else he’s done.
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UCSB Student Coming in Person Next Week

I’m really excited to come! I’ve always felt that, you know, coming face to face is one of the greatest pleasures of life. Coming in person is kind of like my love language.
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