Nexustentialism

UCSB Employees You’re Legally Allowed To Fuck

You’re back at it again, you sick hedonist! If you’ve spent the entirety of fall quarter desperately scouring around campus for a mere crumb of physical affection, scour no further — Nexustentia...
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Honors Program Now Accepting Students Who Can Bike With No Hands

In a statement released this afternoon, the UCSB Honors Program announced it would be automatically accepting all applicants who can ride their bikes with no hands. “It is our belief that students w...
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Dusty to Damp: A Girvetz Story

She was never the hall that caught your eye. She was a mousy little hall that perpetually had a layer of dust across her face. She had spirit, but it was hard to see for she hid it in her dingy little...
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Top Five Gaucho Resolutions

As the waters of 2019 evaporated to the relentless winds of time, many Gauchos saw themselves reflected in the puddles left behind and resolved to better themselves as they waded into the currents of ...
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TPS Hiring! Only Asks That Applicants Be Scum of Earth

A new job opportunity has opened up for students on campus this week at UCSB’s Transportation and Parking Services. Not just anyone can apply, however. To obtain a position within the department, Tr...
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New Vaping Mortality Study Finds More Than 90% of Vapers Mortal

  In the wake of a series of vaping-related maladies across the country, researchers in the UC Santa Barbara biology department have recently conducted a study regarding the mortality rates of in...
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Fuck You, Flavored Cream Cheese

Straight up: flavored cream cheese can fuck all the way off. Simply put, we should all have a personal vendetta against this creamy, bullshit concoction designed to ruin the pristine delicacy that is ...
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Decade Recap: Your 2010 Self Grossed Out You’ve Done Butt Stuff

Using advanced, highly sensitive technology that we won’t bother to explain now, Nexustentialism was able to catch up with your 2010 self and fill them in on all that you’ve been up to over the pa...
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Oops! Student’s Soul That Left Body During Finals Returns to Econ Professor Gary Marvitz

    Last week marked the last of fall quarter finals for most UCSB students. This proved to be both a blessing and a curse for student Jake Gladstone, whose soul left his body sometime aroun...
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Rate of Seeing Ex-Lover at Lib Climbs to 200% as Finals Approach

In a recently published study, UCSB researchers estimate that the rate of crossing paths with your ex-lover at the library has climbed to a staggering 200% as finals draw near. The team notes that the...
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Local Stoner Commended by Community for Constant Stream of Smoking Content

Local stoner Kelly Smith, better known by her Snapchat pseudonym “Phatty Dabz,” has recently been recognized by the community for the constant stream of smoking videos she uploads daily to her Sna...
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Jack Johnson To Rebrand as “Lil’ Johnson”

  In an effort to keep up with burgeoning young artists like Lil Yachty, Lil Baby and Lil Pump (to name but a few), locally venerated celebrity and big “vibes guy” Jack Johnson informed the p...
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Horoscopes: Fart Edition

  ARIES (March 21 – April 19) See how long you can make your next fart last. You may be surprised by the result.   GEMINI (May 21- June 20) Be on the watch for two farts for the price ...
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How To Let Everyone Know You Went To The Gym One (1) Time

The new year is upon us, meaning that students will soon flock to the Rec Cen like ants to an I.V. kitchen floor covered in a sticky puddle of spilled, off-brand Mountain Dew. However, I have taken it...
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Twist! TA Won’t Even Answer Own Question

  In a shocking but probably inevitable turn of events, the level of fucks given during section in Week Eight has dropped so low that not even the TA would answer his own question.  An 8:00 a.m....
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