Nexustentialism

Monster Under Davidson Library Only Grows Hungrier

DAVIDSON LIBRARY — Reports have surfaced that the long-dormant eldritch monster residing under Davidson Library has grown restless due to a burgeoning hunger that can no longer be sated by our measl...
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UCSB Introduces Department of Student Vibes

UC Santa Barbara officials announced Tuesday that an all-new student-resource department would be making its way to campus in the fall of 2020: the Department of Student Vibes. In the brand-new Studen...
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Student Goes Barefoot as an Attempt To Be Perceived as Interesting

Earlier this week, sophomore Alex Graham decided to mix things up for once and walk around campus barefoot, as if he were a paleolithic caveman roaming the wild prehistoric savannah. According to Grah...
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UCSB Rescinds Bathroom Privileges Following Buchanan Vandalism

BUCHANAN HALL — Following a senseless act of vandalism in the Buchanan girls bathrooms, Chancellor Henry Yang released a statement today announcing that the bathroom privileges previously enjoyed by...
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Excess Waffle Batter Oozing from Waffle Machine Reminder That You’re a Failure

ORTEGA DINING COMMONS ‒ A shallow pool of wasted waffle batter solemnly finds itself spread out upon a pitiful tin pan underneath the machine for which it was intended. For second-year student Emma ...
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Britain Leaves EU, Joins Channel Islands

Concluding this chapter of British history last week, the UK has officially left the European Union. However, in a surprising turn of events, the island nation opted to join a different coalition: the...
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Heroes of Isla Vista: Hoe Doesn’t Get Cold

ISLA VISTA, CALIF. — Third-year student Lindsay Thompson has been turning heads this frigid winter quarter in the classic tube top and miniskirt combo — but Thompson, a Santa Barbara six at best, ...
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Mint Juul Pods Are Out, Here’s What We’re Vaping Now

With the changing of the year, we had to bid farewell to a beloved staple of Isla Vistan life: flavored vape pods. We at the Nexus are taking this departure especially hard, but fear not! I am here to...
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Four Ways to Deal with Being Ghosted by the Guy Who Works at the UCen Starbucks

Getting ghosted is never fun, a relationship you felt was heading somewhere is completely obliterated by radio silence. But, getting ghosted by the guy who works at the University Center (UCen) Starbu...
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An Ode to Buchanan, The Land That God Forgot

Oh, Buchanan Hall, what is there left to say about such an iconic pillar of educational success. There are a lot of distinctive pieces of land on the UCSB campus: Storke Tower, South Hall, the area ar...
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Heroic Bike Crash Bystander Isn’t Going To Stop and Help, But Hopes Everyone is OK

Local outstanding citizen Randy Fygel is being hailed as a “local hero” after his actions today following a 27-bike pileup at the bike intersection by the Isla Vista Police station.  According to...
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UCSB Employees You’re Legally Allowed To Fuck

You’re back at it again, you sick hedonist! If you’ve spent the entirety of fall quarter desperately scouring around campus for a mere crumb of physical affection, scour no further — Nexustentia...
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Honors Program Now Accepting Students Who Can Bike With No Hands

In a statement released this afternoon, the UCSB Honors Program announced it would be automatically accepting all applicants who can ride their bikes with no hands. “It is our belief that students w...
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Dusty to Damp: A Girvetz Story

She was never the hall that caught your eye. She was a mousy little hall that perpetually had a layer of dust across her face. She had spirit, but it was hard to see for she hid it in her dingy little...
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Top Five Gaucho Resolutions

As the waters of 2019 evaporated to the relentless winds of time, many Gauchos saw themselves reflected in the puddles left behind and resolved to better themselves as they waded into the currents of ...
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