Nexustentialism

Safety Win! This Student Cloroxed Her Spring Quarter Textbooks Even Though She’ll Never Open Them

With the coronavirus pandemic altering every part of life as we know it, people everywhere are taking safety precautions so as to lower the spread. We spoke with one Isla Vista resident, Katie Hudson,...
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Sad! Girl in Quarantine Running Out of Boys to Drunk Text

  Half a bottle of raspberry Smirnoff seeped into the carpet of UC Santa Barbara sophomore Sarah Varelli’s room in her parents’ lavish upper-middle-class Temecula home Thursday night after ...
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Zoomtopia: A Recap

  Saturday, April 4: a day we mourn what could have been. Ordinarily, the spring quarter is rung in by slammin’ beers with the boys, throwing up in strangers’ yards and blacking out at 11...
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C.A.P.S. To Offer Online Counseling in Form of Smiley Face PDF

UCSB’s Counseling & Psychological Services has just announced that it will now be offering online counseling in the form of a pre-made smiley face PDF, which your C.A.P.S. specialist will person...
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Uh Oh! Professor Accidentally Uploads Entire Campus to GauchoSpace

SOMEWHERE IN CYBERSPACE –– In a spectacular technological blunder late last night, one professor accidentally moved the entire UCSB campus to GauchoSpace while trying to upload a lecture to the we...
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Eight Alternatives for Toilet Paper in the Apocalypse

  It was bound to happen sometime during the apocalypse that is 2020, and now, it has finally happened — the United States has run out of toilet paper. As college students, we have classes and ...
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Push-Up Instagram Challenge Cures COVID-19

  In a turn of events that have shocked and befuddled health officials all around the globe, it seems that a recent Instagram trend, known as the push-up challenge, has eradicated all cases of CO...
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Ted Cruz Extends Self-Quarantine Indefinitely Due to Popular Demand

Following contact with a coronavirus-infected individual at a conservative conference last week, Senator Ted Cruz voluntarily instated a self-quarantine, which, due to popular demand, has been extende...
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Freshman Taking Adderall for Intro Classes Fucked for Real Life

BREAKING — UCSB researchers focusing on the cognition of education have published a new report concluding that college freshmen who start using stimulant drugs such as Adderall as a study aid for cl...
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Graduate Student COLA To Be Paid in Gaucho Bucks

In the wake of graduate student protests demanding a cost-of-living adjustment, the university announced today that it had ultimately conceded to award the sought-after wage increase. Following a brie...
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Storke Tower Blasts Off

UCSB bore witness to a once-in-a-lifetime spectacle last week as Storke Tower’s countdown timer reached zero, its engines were ignited and it blasted off into the heavens. The roar deafened I.V. res...
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Phony in Phelps! TA Actually Eight Raccoons in Button-up, Khakis

PHELPS HALL — A wave of disillusionment fell over the faces of 20 wide-eyed pupils Thursday upon their discovery that their beloved teaching assistant, lack of living wage and all, was not the mathe...
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CALPIRG Turtle Exposed, Actually Tortoise

UCSB’s entire campus has been left reeling this week following the shocking discovery that CALPIRG’s turtle mascot has actually been a tortoise this whole time. “I truly don’t know what to bel...
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Breaking: UCSB Declared To Be in “Severe Clout Drought”

While California’s drought has momentarily subsided, an even worse drought has struck the UC Santa Barbara campus: a drought… of clout. The UCSB sociology department defines a clout drought as...
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Mountain Party Breaks Out During Occupation of Cheadle Hall

In shocking developments during this week’s graduate student occupation of Cheadle Hall, a mountain party had reportedly broken out on the top floor of the building, bringing the sounds of EDM to th...
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