Nexustentialism

Uh Oh! Professor Accidentally Uploads Entire Campus to GauchoSpace

SOMEWHERE IN CYBERSPACE –– In a spectacular technological blunder late last night, one professor accidentally moved the entire UCSB campus to GauchoSpace while trying to upload a lecture to the we...
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Eight Alternatives for Toilet Paper in the Apocalypse

  It was bound to happen sometime during the apocalypse that is 2020, and now, it has finally happened — the United States has run out of toilet paper. As college students, we have classes and ...
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Push-Up Instagram Challenge Cures COVID-19

  In a turn of events that have shocked and befuddled health officials all around the globe, it seems that a recent Instagram trend, known as the push-up challenge, has eradicated all cases of CO...
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Ted Cruz Extends Self-Quarantine Indefinitely Due to Popular Demand

Following contact with a coronavirus-infected individual at a conservative conference last week, Senator Ted Cruz voluntarily instated a self-quarantine, which, due to popular demand, has been extende...
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Freshman Taking Adderall for Intro Classes Fucked for Real Life

BREAKING — UCSB researchers focusing on the cognition of education have published a new report concluding that college freshmen who start using stimulant drugs such as Adderall as a study aid for cl...
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Graduate Student COLA To Be Paid in Gaucho Bucks

In the wake of graduate student protests demanding a cost-of-living adjustment, the university announced today that it had ultimately conceded to award the sought-after wage increase. Following a brie...
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Storke Tower Blasts Off

UCSB bore witness to a once-in-a-lifetime spectacle last week as Storke Tower’s countdown timer reached zero, its engines were ignited and it blasted off into the heavens. The roar deafened I.V. res...
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Phony in Phelps! TA Actually Eight Raccoons in Button-up, Khakis

PHELPS HALL — A wave of disillusionment fell over the faces of 20 wide-eyed pupils Thursday upon their discovery that their beloved teaching assistant, lack of living wage and all, was not the mathe...
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CALPIRG Turtle Exposed, Actually Tortoise

UCSB’s entire campus has been left reeling this week following the shocking discovery that CALPIRG’s turtle mascot has actually been a tortoise this whole time. “I truly don’t know what to bel...
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Breaking: UCSB Declared To Be in “Severe Clout Drought”

While California’s drought has momentarily subsided, an even worse drought has struck the UC Santa Barbara campus: a drought… of clout. The UCSB sociology department defines a clout drought as...
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Mountain Party Breaks Out During Occupation of Cheadle Hall

In shocking developments during this week’s graduate student occupation of Cheadle Hall, a mountain party had reportedly broken out on the top floor of the building, bringing the sounds of EDM to th...
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Hall Rules Clearly Based on Hammurabi’s Code

FT’s 12th-floor bulletin board was recently replaced with a pair of massive clay tablets, into which the new floor rules have been hand-chiseled. These new rules, as well as their method of proclama...
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Student Health Receives Influx of Sex Injuries Following Valentine’s Day

Student Health staffers were astonished this week by the staggering number of sex-related injuries presented to Student Health for treatment following this year’s 3-day Valentine’s weekend. Althou...
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New Student Loan Deferral Program Lets You Pass Your Crippling Debt Onto Your Children

On Wednesday, President Trump signed an executive order requiring the U.S. Department of Education to create a new student loan deferral program allowing students who find themselves in more debt than...
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Brotherly Lime Ride Leads to Unexpected Sexual Awakening

We often find love in the strangest places, whether it’s 11 shots deep at Sandbar or in the 8 a.m. Friday section where you look more like roadkill with a pulse than a college student. For second-ye...
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