Nexustentialism

Horrifying! Chancellor Yang is a Sagittarius – Here Are Our Top 3 Predictions for Sag Season

PASADO RD, ISLA VISTA – A soft wash of silence fell over the houses on the 66 block of Pasado Road last Sunday. “Finally,” sophomore Capri Khorn let out with a sigh, propping her feet up atop he...
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Keg N Bottle Patron Revealed To Be Three Freshmen in a Trench Coat

Disclaimer: This is a real news story, and any similarity or relationship to fictional persons, monsters, fairies and deities living or dead is a mere coincidence. ISLA VISTA, CALIFORNIA — Late ...
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Wow! Horoscope Close Enough

In what is surely a cosmic turn of events, an alignment of the stars, a blessing from above, second-year Hailey Bailey’s daily horoscope was close enough for her to continue believing in astrology. ...
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Emotional Menace Taylor Swift Launches Second Premeditated Attack of the Year

ISLA VISTA, Calif. — Residents felt shock waves of emotional distress last night as pop superstar and harbinger of seasonal depression Taylor Swift released “Red (Taylor’s Version),” her rerec...
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Mungry for More? Munger Hall Unveils New ‘Ortega II’ Dining Commons

IN THE BEGINNING, THERE SHALL BE NOTHING. THENCE, I SHALL SPEAK INTO EXISTENCE A DINING HALL LIKE NO OTHER THAT HAS BEEN SEEN.
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Architect Pulls Out of Munger Hall Project After Allegations That Munger’s Head “Just Shaped Wrong”

“That head is not architecturally sound,” lamented McFadden. “He looks like an egg, like a hard-boiled Humpty Dumpty."
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Heartwarming — Billionaire Charles Munger Agrees To Provide Oxygen for New Dorm Residence

“I don’t know why people are complaining,” Munger stated. “Imagine seeing 4,500 people daily. I haven’t seen anyone in weeks!"
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Isla Vista Residents Throw Christmas Party to Avoid Halloween Restrictions

After hearing about the local police ordinance set in place for Halloween, a few innovative UCSB students are planning to throw a Christmas party instead. “We kept hearing that I.V. isn’t throwing...
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Tragic! Student Explodes Trying to Hold in Cough

Happy flu season, Gauchos! With COVID-19 terrifying everyone and their mother due to the coughing fits around public, the student body is collectively on the constant verge of convulsing as they choos...
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If I Was an Octopus, My Tentacles and I Would’ve Owned the Dining Hall by Now

Well shit! My tummy just rumbled — a foreboding sign that the quest to the dining hall is soon to come. We’ve all dealt with the annoying inconveniences of the dining hall, from not being able to ...
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Festive! Sunday Scaries Temporarily Rebranded to Sunday Spookies

What a treat! Now, as you attempt to cope with the unbearable weight of the seventeen assignments you procrastinated atop your shoulders on a daunting Monday eve, you can think about two ghosts holdin...
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Horse Girl Actually Excited To See Horsey Cops This Halloweekend

Perhaps the only fan of Isla Vista’s horse-mounted officers, UCSB’s own horse girl, Filly Gelding, revels in anticipation to hear the clip-clop of hooves against the pavement each year.
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Shit! Pedestrian Painfully Aware They’ll Never See Hot Biker Again

Try not to stare. Stare anyway. Who cares? Everyone’s focusing on their own bike, listening to music and attempting not to crash. The eyes. The hair. The way their legs … move? They kind of pedal ...
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Snag to Drop Charade, Just Start Selling Drugs

Snag exists to serve the Isla Vista community,” Brohanski shouted (we’re not really sure why he was shouting). “And, frankly, the Isla Vista community is kind of a bunch of alcoholics with a stu...
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UCSB To Remove Lagoon

That’s right. Say goodbye to your favorite stinky puddle, to those mysterious, murky depths, beckoning … calling for you … yes … come closer … dip a toe in… No! No longer!
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