Nexustentialism

6 People Covid Partiers Can Look Forward to Meeting in Hell

Isla Vista’s COVID partiers have made it clear that drinking on balconies and drinking on roofs (and – let’s face it – angering the PH in some Shein bikini) is more critical than the health an...
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7 Girl Bosses You Forgot To Appreciate in March

You may not have been appreciative of the many girl boss go-getters during the last Women’s History Month, but thankfully, there are many femme fatales out there who are deserving of praise! Here ar...
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UCSB Freshman Voices: “We Thought This Would Be More Like Surf’s Up”

Kyle DeNile from Newport Beach, had lots to say about Isla Vista’s disparity from Pengu Island. “Things are off to a rocky start. I haven’t met even one former surf star who faked his own death ...
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God Is Dead: 5 Exciting New Deities to Worship This Spring Quarter

Wow! With so many wonderful options, it’s hard to pick just one! We at Nexustentialism sincerely hope this map through the spiritual realm will land you in a place of inner peace this Spring.
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Report: It Rained

Disclaimer: This article is a humorous interpretation of the events of the past few days of the kind-of-a-city-but-not-really of Isla Vista, California. If you do not live in Isla Vista, you may not u...
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No Computer? No Problem! Four Hacks To Manage Your Way Through Online School, Laptop-Free

Breakthrough laptop-free hacks include: Read a book, or pretend to be Amish.
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Inspiring! Ex-COVID Partygoer Learns New Skill: How To Have Compassion for Others

According to our sources, partiers are unable to spell difficult words like “vaccination” or “empathy,” and they can’t differentiate between “your” and “you’re,” which should have ...
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Reverse Cowgirl Use Up 150% Amid Pandemic, Studies Show

Due to COVID, our sources have reported that many individuals have not “busted a nut” in months. However, for the small demographic who aren’t fucking losers and totally fuck, a creative way to ...
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Nexustentialism to Stop Writing Satire, Go Back to Plain Ol’ Lies

While classics such as “Fuck You, Flavored Cream Cheese” will always hold a special place in our hearts, we have found it necessary to move on to bigger, bolder, more bountiful horizons of content...
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Zoom Schooling Proving Difficult for Local “Ass Lovers”

“I miss seeing a little action in a pair of Kohl’s jeans some physics guy’s mom bought for them,” said Ass Woman Junkina Trunk, who went on to admit that she’s had to watch playbacks of “t...
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New Zoom Update Allows You To Sort By Who’s Hottest

First, we send all the users who appear to be paying attention to the back to weed out the fucking nerds. Once they’re gone, we rate the rest of the participants on 145 different traits, including ...
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Office Hours With Professor The Most Intimate Valentine’s Day Local Woman Will Ever Have

Biggcok has emailed some of her young-ish eligible professors for “assistance with the material.” When asked to specify what type of assistance and with what material, Biggcok failed to produce a ...
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Mike’s Hard Vaccine To Be Distributed at Student Health

You can now make an appointment on GOLD to be administered Mike’s Hard Vaccine today, or find them being passed out at your local dayger.
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Success! IV Foot Patrol Finally Clears IV of All Feet

“Please … please, I’m begging … they took everything from me …” a footless, maskless partygoer in pain moaned. Her 20 crop-top-donning companions sprinted away in a fashion not unlike a ga...
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Lea Toubian Wins A.S. Presidency in Landslide Five Votes

ISLA VISTA – In what experts are calling an unprecedented voter turnout, Lea Toubian was elected A.S. president earlier this month with a landslide of five votes and a total voter count of five. The...
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