Nexustentialism

Chameleons: They Could Be Anywhere

The UC issued a statement that chameleons are probably not on campus but acknowledged that there is a chance that chameleons are all around us.
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Student Dismantling Police, Taking Down Murderers and Battling a Pandemic Still Had Poetry Final for Some Reason

“Sure, I’ve been busy checking in on my friends and protesting while also trying not to get COVID, so it’s actually really great that I had to work on final essays and a group project over Zoom,...
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Thank You, Dear Residents of Isla Vista: An Open Letter From the Coronavirus

Sometimes, I just have to stop and look back in awe at how far I’ve come in these past few months: from a sickly bat in a Wuhan meat-market all the way across the world to your neighbor’s lukewarm...
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UCSB Introverts, (AKA Entire College of Creative Studies) Really Thriving Right Now

Majors within the College of Creative Studies (previously featured in this paper for the title of stinkiest, and also most tennis shoe) seem to thrive in the role of introvert forced on the nation. ...
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Dowries, Barn Raises, Making Comeback

Since such things like global pandemics, once thought to be outdated, have come back around, why not revive some highlights of yesteryear while we’re at it!
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UCSB To Have In-Person Zoom Classes

The University of California has recently made the landmark decision to embark into a new frontier of educational possibilities: The Zoom classes utilized for remote instruction during the Spring Quar...
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Not to Worry! Times May be Changing, But This Professor’s Grading Scale Absolutely Will Not

“I mean, are we facing major, necessary systemic changes as a country? Sure. Do we live our lives differently because of a deadly untreatable virus? Of course. That’s why I think it’s so importa...
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Local Bros Risk it All For One Magical Night at Study Hall

“I NEEDED STUDY HALL, I NEEDED IT. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. LAST NIGHT WAS MAGICAL. THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE, PROBABLY,” said Brohanski. “THE STAFF THERE ARE HEROES. GODDAMN AMERICAN HEROES.”
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Man Claims Be Standing 6 Feet Away From You, Actual Distance: 5 Feet, 9 Inches

While some communities are slowly starting to reopen to the public, research has shown that social distancing efforts have been continually undermined by men not knowing what 6 feet looks like.
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CALPIRG Unveils New “Save The Murder Hornets” Campaign

With no bees left to save, CALPIRG unfortunately had no choice but to move on to the next closest insect.
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Professor Assures In-Person Lecture About Same Boring Material “Much More Engaging Than Online Class”

Aborian made a point to emphasize that even though he couldn’t see the sleeping faces while he was talking like before, he envisioned them in his head to bring about a sense of normalcy.
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Sad! You Were Expecting a Nexustentialism Article, But I Was Too Depressed To Write One

That’s it, that’s the article.
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Stats Indicate for First Time in 300 Years, More People Baking Bread Than Having Sex

“I don’t really remember what sex is like at this point,” Laeid said. “So putting my dough in the oven is about as close as I’ll get to seeing anything rise.” 
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UCSB Eases Admission Requirements, “Pants No Longer Required”

The long-awaited decision came after weeks of pantsless Zoom-call deliberation among COVID-19 response staff.
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Pokámon Don’t-Go-Outside!

Come take a look at an all-new line of never-before-seen Pandemic-mon, a legally distinct brand of pocket-sized fighting monsters!
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