Nexustentialism

Fly Who Landed On Mike Pence’s Head: Dead at 22 Days, 16 Hours

The fly who landed on Mike Pence’s head passed away in his compost pile on Monday night. He was 22 days, 16 hours old. The doctors said he died of thorax complications.
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Despite Record Levels of Nostalgia, Campus Still Ugly

New photographic evidence has revealed that, despite the rose-tinted glasses of memory through which many Gauchos have been envisioning UCSB, the campus is still, according to high-tech visual analysi...
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Fly on Mike Pence’s Head Secures Deal with Fashion Nova After Newfound Fame

After enjoying a week of newfound notoriety, the now-infamous housefly (Musca domestica) that made its debut on the downy white head of Vice President Mike Pence during the 2020 United States vice-pre...
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Recently Fired RAs Say It’s Fine, Didn’t Need Anywhere To Live Anyway

“Sure I don’t ‘have walls,’ and maybe I don’t ‘get to be dry’ all the time,” Lopez said, while speaking from the half inflated raft she’s been living in off the coast of Devereux. ...
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Anti-Masker Would Rather Die Than Smell Own Breath

“It’s a shame he can’t socially distance his mouth from his nose.”
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three CSOs standing next to Kamala Harris and Joe Biden

Biden Snags CSO Vote With Harris VP Pick

“I’ve never felt so seen!” said CSO veteran John Schweineliebhaber, a straight, cisgender, white man studying economics.
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three CSOs standing next to Kamala Harris and Joe Biden

Joe Biden Proudly Announces VP Running Mate: Calvin Harris

Presidential candidate, Joe Biden, has proudly announced world-renowned DJ, Calvin Harris, as his vice-presidential running mate in the 2020 election in an attempt to unite the American people through...
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New Study Finds Chancellor Yang Thick as Fuck

Researchers in this sumptuous field of study have put out probes into each of the UC campuses looking to find evidence of bodacious badonkadonks across the UC system. Upon analysis of the resultant da...
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Chameleons: They Could Be Anywhere

The UC issued a statement that chameleons are probably not on campus but acknowledged that there is a chance that chameleons are all around us.
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Student Dismantling Police, Taking Down Murderers and Battling a Pandemic Still Had Poetry Final for Some Reason

“Sure, I’ve been busy checking in on my friends and protesting while also trying not to get COVID, so it’s actually really great that I had to work on final essays and a group project over Zoom,...
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Thank You, Dear Residents of Isla Vista: An Open Letter From the Coronavirus

Sometimes, I just have to stop and look back in awe at how far I’ve come in these past few months: from a sickly bat in a Wuhan meat-market all the way across the world to your neighbor’s lukewarm...
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UCSB Introverts, (AKA Entire College of Creative Studies) Really Thriving Right Now

Majors within the College of Creative Studies (previously featured in this paper for the title of stinkiest, and also most tennis shoe) seem to thrive in the role of introvert forced on the nation. ...
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Dowries, Barn Raises, Making Comeback

Since such things like global pandemics, once thought to be outdated, have come back around, why not revive some highlights of yesteryear while we’re at it!
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UCSB To Have In-Person Zoom Classes

The University of California has recently made the landmark decision to embark into a new frontier of educational possibilities: The Zoom classes utilized for remote instruction during the Spring Quar...
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Not to Worry! Times May be Changing, But This Professor’s Grading Scale Absolutely Will Not

“I mean, are we facing major, necessary systemic changes as a country? Sure. Do we live our lives differently because of a deadly untreatable virus? Of course. That’s why I think it’s so importa...
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