Nexustentialism

Five Ways to Avoid Walking Into Class Sweating Like a God-fearer in the Seventh Circle of Hell

You walk into the classroom and the class goes quiet. Your body has betrayed you; you are dripping sweat from every inch of your body.
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Eulogy for Pizza My Heart

Where else can you consume 40 whole cloves of garlic on a pizza in front of your unsuspecting Bumble date? Fuck you! Who do you think you are?
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Greeks Go Green Try Greening Out

Greeks Go Green took part in an event of true sisterhood where they collectively attempted to reach a level of high called “greening out.”
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I Wish I Was the Unzipped Banana in the Fruit Sensory Videos

“I just don’t understand why the pineapple is in the middle,” he fervently explained. “Everything about that banana is raw sex appeal.”
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Chancellor Yang Takes Over-Enrollment Crisis Into His Own Hands

It can feel as though calls for action from UCSB administration fall on deaf ears — but no longer!
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Catastrophe! Gaucho Bucks Economy Collapses After Everyone Forgets They Exist

To elaborate, Gaucho Bucks follow the same ridiculous format of taking money you can spend everywhere and anywhere, and converting it into money that you can only spend at a few places — except it...
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I Lived It: Bearing The Burden Of Being The Funniest Bitch In The GroupMe

I am too funny for the society I find myself buried within.
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Top 10 Things I’d Say If I Were a Tour Guide

No one here drinks.  Seriously. Del Playa is actually just a place that we gather at on weekends to worship Chancellor Yang and give him all our money. 
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UCSB’s Top Students Finish Magna Cum Laude; Bottom Students Reportedly Satisfied

“We as a community are just so proud of the achievement of these students. They should certainly feel very satisfied with themselves and the effort they have put in. We hope they are experiencing th...
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From the Archive: Diet Ice Cream, Dire Consequences

Historically, pandemics have forced humans to break with the past and imagine their world anew. Given the unthinkable human tragedy and exposition of the failures and lies of the global capitalist sys...
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Local “Nice Guy” Holds Doors Not To “Get Some” but To Satiate Concerning Fascination With Engineering

“No, I just love hinges. God they are such beautiful mechanisms,” Head stated, as he started to speak faster and faster, his face flushed with enthusiasm.
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Report: If One More Man Touches My Waist While Passing Me At A Party, I Am Going To Leap Into The Sun

Nuffathis’ grimy, formerly-white Air Force 1s began to levitate off the ground. Seemingly set off by another waist-grab, Nuffathis was spurred by the supernatural – selected by the gods, perhaps ...
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Sa-tired? Local Funny Business Exhausts Humor Supply

Not one shred of printable material seems to remain, despite continued, exploratory drilling around the sites we last located the funny.
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ducks breaking up

Love Is Dead: Duck Couple Has Affair

We at the Daily Nexus, personally, are heartbroken to report on the demise of what we thought was a stable tenet of the little joy there is in our decrepit college town. Is pain the only guarantee in ...
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ducks breaking up

An Open Letter: Happy Mother’s Day to Mrs. Incredible Only

Oh, how I long to lovingly nestle my face against your ample bosom, reverting to a childlike state of coziness and dependency.
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