Nexustentialism

Fourth-year CLIT Major Still Can’t Find It

Empty-handed in my pilgrimage toward the truly exquisite CLIT. My bildungsroman has come and gone … I have passed my point of no return.” Simpcellington, a virgin, turns 22 on Thursday. 
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Lagoon Monster’s Parents Wish That He’d Call Home More Often

Notwithstanding that UC Santa Barbara’s lagoon resident Swamp Yang is a full-fledged adult, his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Yang, wish that he’d call home more often. If Mrs. Yang doesn’t receive a ph...
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Incoming Freshman Leaks Own SSN To Integrate Into Campus Culture

One incoming freshman has gone above and beyond in his efforts to find his fit on campus and has leaked his own social security number in order to find common ground with elder Gauchos.
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UCSB “Classroom Building” To Be Unveiled Along With “Sitting Chairs” and “Talking Podiums”

Do you often find yourself utterly bewildered as to the function of everyday objects? Are you also disillusioned with the barren landscape of our fine institution? Well, you’re in luck, because for ...
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Envious of Delta Success, Local ZBT Man Attempts To Cultivate “Zeta” Strain

Warnings, panic and general hubbub about the new Delta strain of COVID-19 have been dominating the news cycle over the past few weeks. Envious of all the attention showered on Delta, local Zeta Beta T...
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Instagram Debuts New “Ironic Follow” Feature, Allowing Users To Keep Up With Hated Celebrities

Those tired by constantly having to search up their favorite hated Instagram accounts to see if they’ve posted any more ridiculous content can worry no more: Instagram will finally let you follow th...
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Bee Population Nearly Annihilated After Year Without CALPIRG Harassment

Many have been both shocked and saddened by this news, but also deeply surprised by the reason behind this decline.
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Oh No! Isla Vista Roller Skaters Realize They Can’t All Be The Main Character

DEL PLAYA ROAD — Dust and confusion were both kicked up into the air on Saturday as 24 separate roller skaters collided in what can only be described as a cartoon-like whirlwind of limbs and wheels....
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Five Meals UCSB Freshman Can Look Forward to Eating at Ortega

"This crowd pleaser is an innovative take on the classic gazpacho. Ortega chefs insist that this dish was in fact heavily requested by students and not created due to a tight budget."
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Pardall Tunnel Experiences Dry Spell, Hasn’t Been Turned On In Weeks

Pardall Tunnel herself remains parched, empty and in desperate need of a biker — or several eager bikers — to just run through her already.
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Dr. Pepper Is Actually a Woman, You Sexist Fuck

Pepper admits that she was motivated to post it after experiencing sexism firsthand in her workplace
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Your Bike Wasn’t Stolen, It Left Because You Didn’t Treat It Right

“Hey, I’m at the Bike Boutique right now … Really has me thinking that you were always my Bike Boo. I should’ve been more willing to switch gears for you. I just wish we could backpedal and pi...
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Heartbroken By UCLA Rejection, Oprah Winfrey Agrees To Speak at UCSB

Last week, the Gaucho community received exciting news that Oprah Winfrey — entertainment tycoon and one of the nation’s wealthiest self-made women — would be speaking at UC Santa Barbara’s sp...
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I.V. Pregamers Thrilled by Reports That Downtown Is Literally On Fire Tonight

Isla Vistan pregamers are thrilled to hear that downtown Santa Barbara — famous for its bustling nightlife — is literally on fire tonight.
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Instagram Infographics Saturate the Market, Demand Plummets

This new surge in popularity of activism-adjacent paraphernalia has led to the overproduction of Instagram infographics to the point of market saturation
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