Nexustentialism

From the Archive: Diet Ice Cream, Dire Consequences

Historically, pandemics have forced humans to break with the past and imagine their world anew. Given the unthinkable human tragedy and exposition of the failures and lies of the global capitalist sys...
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Local “Nice Guy” Holds Doors Not To “Get Some” but To Satiate Concerning Fascination With Engineering

“No, I just love hinges. God they are such beautiful mechanisms,” Head stated, as he started to speak faster and faster, his face flushed with enthusiasm.
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Report: If One More Man Touches My Waist While Passing Me At A Party, I Am Going To Leap Into The Sun

Nuffathis’ grimy, formerly-white Air Force 1s began to levitate off the ground. Seemingly set off by another waist-grab, Nuffathis was spurred by the supernatural – selected by the gods, perhaps ...
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Sa-tired? Local Funny Business Exhausts Humor Supply

Not one shred of printable material seems to remain, despite continued, exploratory drilling around the sites we last located the funny.
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ducks breaking up
ducks breaking up

Love Is Dead: Duck Couple Has Affair

We at the Daily Nexus, personally, are heartbroken to report on the demise of what we thought was a stable tenet of the little joy there is in our decrepit college town. Is pain the only guarantee in ...
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An Open Letter: Happy Mother’s Day to Mrs. Incredible Only

Oh, how I long to lovingly nestle my face against your ample bosom, reverting to a childlike state of coziness and dependency.
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Top 5 Fucking Skank Bitches in School

Hopefully when these people see this list, they might rethink their lives and stop being such fake fucking bitches. One can only hope!
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Comedian! Local Man Adds -Ussy to the End of Each Word

“Heart? Stolen. Panties? Soaked. Hotel? Trivago.”
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Op-Ed: I Am a Loyal Patron of the Isla Vista Co-op And I’ll I’m Asking For Is Regular Toothpaste

Crest, Colgate, Sensodyne —  I’ll take anything, even if only 8/10 doctors recommend it!
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Whoopee! The Four Winds Have Arrived in I.V. To Forsake Us All

After sending a correspondent into the sky via the slingshot we rented from a carnival company, we have received input from the four winds and their thoughts on their massive blowings and whooshes bom...
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God Sends 10 Plagues to Isla Vista After Alleged Cancellation

Esteemed Nexustentialism reporter Roberto Gutierrez discussed this in his article “BREAKING: God Canceled,” but he failed to anticipate the possible ramifications of this cancellation — that bei...
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Yummy! Tinder Date Actually Cake

I figured he was just nervous. But when I got to the booth, he still didn’t move and I knew something was wrong. 
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If You Sucked My Tits, You Owe Me a Mother’s Day Card

You have suckled my breast like an infant — the weakling you are — and I get nothing in return? 
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God Cancelled

Perhaps it is time for the man upstairs to face the social consequences of his actions.
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How To Lounge Jubilantly on the Arbor Lawn With Your Multicultural Friends in Front of a Tour Group

So, if you’re not sure about what to do when you find yourself out with your most diverse group of friends, look no further! We’ve got you covered!
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