Nexustentialism

Lea Toubian Wins A.S. Presidency in Landslide Five Votes

ISLA VISTA – In what experts are calling an unprecedented voter turnout, Lea Toubian was elected A.S. president earlier this month with a landslide of five votes and a total voter count of five. The...
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National Guard Calls in CSOs For Inauguration Security

WASHINGTON –– Following the violent insurrection at the U.S. Capitol, extensive security measures have been planned for the inauguration proceedings this Wednesday. Chief among these is the choice...
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Weekly COVID-19 Test Recipients Growing Bold, Kinky

UCSB recently made the decision to reopen select university-owned apartments for Winter 2021 in what we can only assume is an attempt to stop hemorrhaging money. The selective application process allo...
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Storke Tower Receives Vaccination, Grows 3 Inches

“The lengthening effect was witnessed almost immediately,” said the Student Health nurse who administered Storke the vaccine. “As was a slight increase in girth, though those effects have yet to...
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If You Like GauchoSpace, You’ll Love GauchoSpace Live

GauchoSpace Live and GauchoSpace Premium are in no way, shape or form based on PornHub Live and PornHub Premium. Students who suggest this will be expelled.
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Sad! Donald Trump Has Said “I Love You” to Domestic Terrorists More Than to Own Children

Likely one of the only times the Trump children have ever witnessed their father using the L-word so brazenly and yet so tenderly, it is almost certain that at least one of them (probably Eric) burst ...
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Brave! TPS Tirelessly Dishing Out Tickets Amidst Pandemic

“I never once thought about giving up,” third-year and all-around bland man Krac said. “I decided the least I could do was to give UCSB a smidge of normalcy during this tumultuous time.” 
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Library Masturbator Doing Really Badly Right Now

“Book book, study study! Ooga booga, horny!”
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Confused Campus Republicans Storm UCen

“Where is Pelosi’s office?” one confused rioter asked as he entered the A.S. Food Bank and stumbled through several rows of canned goods.
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Finally! F.T. To Be Replaced With North and South Subways

"when questioned as to 'what the hell they’re gonna do with all those shitty little beds,' Jared shrugged and gestured to a ceiling-high pile of loaves of white bread in the corner of his room. What...
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Religious Studies Department Switches Digital Lectures to Astral Projection

"Now my projected consciousness can learn the intricacies of Pre-Tridentine Catholicism while my body plays Minecraft with the boys!”
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Freshmen To Miss Out On Traditional UCSB Holiday Raccoon Cookout

Freshmen this year are truly missing out on one of the most unique traditions UCSB has to offer, not to mention the delectable flavor of a campus-raised, spit-roasted raccoon.
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Top Five Curse Words to Watch!

Every once in a while, you come across a curse word that really sticks, something so profane you’ll be sure to use for the rest of your life. This is not that curse word, but it’s pretty good.
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UCSB Trends to Watch: Chlamydia !

A recent poll has shown that 52% of Isla Vista residents consider those with chlamydia to be “total downers.” Others opposed to the chlamydia craze have said that they “wished more trends were a...
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QUIZ: Which Part of the Thanksgiving Tursnowyploverducken Are You?

With this delicious new dish, naturally, comes the question, “which part of the tursnowyploverducken am I?” Complete this festive little quiz to find out!
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