Nexustentialism

Your Bike Wasn’t Stolen, It Left Because You Didn’t Treat It Right

“Hey, I’m at the Bike Boutique right now … Really has me thinking that you were always my Bike Boo. I should’ve been more willing to switch gears for you. I just wish we could backpedal and pi...
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Heartbroken By UCLA Rejection, Oprah Winfrey Agrees To Speak at UCSB

Last week, the Gaucho community received exciting news that Oprah Winfrey — entertainment tycoon and one of the nation’s wealthiest self-made women — would be speaking at UC Santa Barbara’s sp...
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I.V. Pregamers Thrilled by Reports That Downtown Is Literally On Fire Tonight

Isla Vistan pregamers are thrilled to hear that downtown Santa Barbara — famous for its bustling nightlife — is literally on fire tonight.
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Instagram Infographics Saturate the Market, Demand Plummets

This new surge in popularity of activism-adjacent paraphernalia has led to the overproduction of Instagram infographics to the point of market saturation
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New Slop Just Dropped

I arrived at Ortega under the cover of darkness, as instructed. I knocked at the door three times and was immediately whisked inside, blindfolded and led to the middle of the dining common.
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Due to Extensive Use, Culture To Impose Cancellation Fee

“All of you are why we can’t have nice things. We tried to do a good thing and let anyone cancel people that deserved it, but y’all had to go and ruin it”
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Ortega? What’s That? Babe, You Sound Kind Of Insane Right Now…

I do believe you! But when you’re just making up places that I’ve never heard before, it’s a little suspicious.
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A Question For the ages: Am I Pegnate?

also rnt you supposed to get cravings if you are prengnate? last night I really was craving ice cream. i ate so much of it but i couldn’t taste it right i just needed to eat more and more. that soun...
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Rec Cen Lifeguards Upset They Might Actually Have To Do Something Now

As spring slowly turns to Summer, more and more students will be looking to use the pool at the Rec Cen, with no regard to how the lifeguards feel. Unless you’re a decent swimmer, I recommend making...
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Sad! Library Chairs Haven’t Felt a Fart in More Than a Year

“What we’re seeing is a lot of chairs kind of shriveling up in the cushion part,” Davidson custodian and chair expert Frank Todd said. “Without the farts, they really lose all the life in them...
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Dining Halls Ranked by Someone Who Hasn’t Been to Any of Them

Anticipation is rising among UC Santa Barbara students who have chosen to stay at home during the pandemic, many of them freshman who have never been to campus. We at Nexustentialism decided to lend a...
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A.S. Candidates to Receive Honorary Theater Degree in Light of Recent Performativity

"All of these prospective senators have worked so hard to put on the mask of progress and social justice in such a diligent manner that their efforts mirror those of the greatest method actors of our ...
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A Letter to the Editor

    X.    Varun Iyer was recently informed that he gets paid per article, not per letter.
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Amid Controversy, GauchoSpace Renamed to Space

Students demonstrated against the website by continuing to use it normally, which repeatedly caused the site to slow and crash at inconvenient times. One student described the protests as a “careful...
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6 People Covid Partiers Can Look Forward to Meeting in Hell

Isla Vista’s COVID partiers have made it clear that drinking on balconies and drinking on roofs (and – let’s face it – angering the PH in some Shein bikini) is more critical than the health an...
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