Nexustentialism

Man Claims Be Standing 6 Feet Away From You, Actual Distance: 5 Feet, 9 Inches

While some communities are slowly starting to reopen to the public, research has shown that social distancing efforts have been continually undermined by men not knowing what 6 feet looks like.
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CALPIRG Unveils New “Save The Murder Hornets” Campaign

With no bees left to save, CALPIRG unfortunately had no choice but to move on to the next closest insect.
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Professor Assures In-Person Lecture About Same Boring Material “Much More Engaging Than Online Class”

Aborian made a point to emphasize that even though he couldn’t see the sleeping faces while he was talking like before, he envisioned them in his head to bring about a sense of normalcy.
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Sad! You Were Expecting a Nexustentialism Article, But I Was Too Depressed To Write One

That’s it, that’s the article.
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Stats Indicate for First Time in 300 Years, More People Baking Bread Than Having Sex

“I don’t really remember what sex is like at this point,” Laeid said. “So putting my dough in the oven is about as close as I’ll get to seeing anything rise.” 
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UCSB Eases Admission Requirements, “Pants No Longer Required”

The long-awaited decision came after weeks of pantsless Zoom-call deliberation among COVID-19 response staff.
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Pokámon Don’t-Go-Outside!

Come take a look at an all-new line of never-before-seen Pandemic-mon, a legally distinct brand of pocket-sized fighting monsters!
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Local Bro Thinks the Ratio at His Childhood Home “Blows”

“My mom has no White Claws in the freezer, my little brother isn’t actually a chiller and on the off chance that someone here actually tosses, they all toss low,” Brohanski said.
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Student Health Now Offering Complimentary Circumcisions

Officials from Student Health have urged students to take advantage of this limited-time offer, reminding them that “there’s no time like the present” and that “we’re not in Europe, so what...
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Storke in the Age of COVID-19: UCSB’s Favorite Tower To Chime Each Hour on New Facebook Livestream

  Upon the March 25 announcement that UC Santa Barbara officials had “no intention” to adjust tuition for a remote spring quarter, students were forced to face the harsh reality that all thei...
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Five Best Ways To Spend Your Corona-Bucks

  With the world all topsy-turvy, you might be looking for someone to guide you in wasting money, especially since many Isla Vista residents will be getting some government-provided “fuck-aroun...
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Safety Win! This Student Cloroxed Her Spring Quarter Textbooks Even Though She’ll Never Open Them

With the coronavirus pandemic altering every part of life as we know it, people everywhere are taking safety precautions so as to lower the spread. We spoke with one Isla Vista resident, Katie Hudson,...
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Sad! Girl in Quarantine Running Out of Boys to Drunk Text

  Half a bottle of raspberry Smirnoff seeped into the carpet of UC Santa Barbara sophomore Sarah Varelli’s room in her parents’ lavish upper-middle-class Temecula home Thursday night after ...
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Zoomtopia: A Recap

  Saturday, April 4: a day we mourn what could have been. Ordinarily, the spring quarter is rung in by slammin’ beers with the boys, throwing up in strangers’ yards and blacking out at 11...
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C.A.P.S. To Offer Online Counseling in Form of Smiley Face PDF

UCSB’s Counseling & Psychological Services has just announced that it will now be offering online counseling in the form of a pre-made smiley face PDF, which your C.A.P.S. specialist will person...
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