Friday the 13th Is Coming For You

May 13, 2016 at 4:20 am by Sir Spooks-a-Lot

Friday the 13th is quite the spooky day. There’s an entire horror film franchise based off it, so I don’t think I need to provide any further evidence of said spookiness. Despite this, many do not believe that they have anything to fear: This attitude is particularly prevalent among the UCSB student body.

Friday the 13th is coming for you and you cannot escape it.

On the other hand, there are others who live with a crippling fear of the date, a condition known as friggatriskaidekaphobia. Why is it called this? Probably because doctors want you to feel badly about yourself, but I’m only guessing. Though, what I do know for certain is that Friday the 13th is coming for you and you cannot escape it.

You may think the myths are not true. Think again. Today is very real, and now so are some of your worst fears. Here are some of inescapable curses that await you if you dare to step outside today.

Getting shat on by a bird.
A 15 percent tax on your coffee order for everyone who refers to Starbucks as “Starbz.” Also, no one can stop calling Starbucks “Starbz.”
A massive 13-bike crash on Pardall caused by you and your beach cruiser.
No aisle seats left in your lectures.
Because you could not find an aisle seat, you are forced to sit in the very center and consequently get sneezed on. Twice.
You sneezed on someone and now they are going to beat you up after class.
Your i>Clicker drops itself.
Your subconscious begins providing answers and solutions to personal demons you weren’t prepared to face yet.
The automatic doors in the library close on you, and it’s really embarrassing.
Isla Vista declares sovereignty as a city-state and leaves you in constant fear that it is not a sustainable system.
Your mother has had it up to here with your bullshit, and she isn’t going to take it anymore.
Netflix starts running ads.
You realize communication really isn’t your passion, and you start looking for a less challenging major.
No one can find that girl that dresses in all pink.
You are hungover for no apparent reason.
The denim on denim trend is back and taking over campus.
All the professors with the lowest ratings on Rate My Professor band together to assign the student body a 20-page paper on self-esteem. Due by midnight.
The duck couple breaks up.
The moon falls out of the sky and lands on Storke Tower.
You lose your Ray-Bans.
The Lone Gaucho wanders campus, and when he makes eye contact with you, you will be forced to help him handle his unruly cattle for eternity.
You realize this fate isn’t so bad compared to your student debt, and the failure of the American education system is omnipresent and suffocating.