Weather
This article appeared as part of the Nexus’ April Fools’ edition. Tuesday’s Forecast: Partly cloudy, with a high of 62 degrees and a low of 45.
All The Important Gaucho Shit You Missed While Watching a Donkey Show in Tijuana
Two weeks after fellow senior Alex Harris won the Big West Co-Player of the Year award, forward Nedim Pajevic received a far more prestigious honor when the NCAA, in partnership with Gillette, named him the 18th recipient of the annual Mustache March Madness trophy, awarded each season to the college basketball player who best exemplifies excellence above the upper lip. While Pajevic ditched the mustache early in the season, he became an early favorite for the award after displaying a Super Mario-esque ‘stache in UCSB’s season opener.
Octopus Reaps Praise for Student Death
A Marine Science Institute octopus with a history of daring escapes pulled off its most impressive caper yet yesterday, trapping, murdering and consuming UCSB first-year Evan Miller.
He Said, She Said
So, the other night I totally hooked up with this guy. Yeah, like, toootally hooked up. And I thought he liked me, but then he totally kicked me out at the end of the night. And I was like, “Wait, what?” And he just totally slammed the door in my face! Juicy Campus was right: He is a total a-hole.
Gaucho Polo Player in Speedo Arrested
In a follow-up to the tortilla incident at the UCSB men’s basketball game against UC Riverside on Senior Night, one member of the Gaucho men’s water polo team was expelled from the university, while a member of the Event Staff received a medal of valor.
UCSB Invests in Massive, Planet-Killing Laser
Nearly two months after an antiwar protest resulted in the relocation of a conference on campus, UCSB’s Institute for Collaborative Biotechnologies proposed a new addition to the university’s Long Range Development Plan – the Death Star.
Rome to Bring “The Jungle” to AD
Following an eight-hour interview yesterday, television and radio personality Jim Rome was named UCSB’s new athletic director, a shocking development in the search for outgoing A.D. Gary Cunningham’s replacement.
Oil Exec Refuses to Accept Blame in Juice Incident
Adding to an ever-lengthening list of spills and alleged infractions, Greka Oil & Gas company president Andre Derramar spilled 15 ounces of grape juice onto his shirt yesterday – an act he claimed was the result of sabotage.
Armchair QB
This article appeared as part of the Nexus’ April Fools’ edition. Armchair QB: QB 1: Hey quick, tell me a joke. QB2: Title IX
Gauchoscopes: Where the Zodiac Meets the Beach
Astrological signs…