Bobs With Knobs Avoid Hand Jobs
Since I have been old enough to touch penises, two people have told me I give a good hand job. One was my best friend, who is a female and therefore has no idea what constitutes a satisfactory hand job. She was just trying to build up my self-esteem after two hours of up-and-down with a random hookup, which ended with nothing but a limp dick and a sore wrist. The other was my boyfriend, who I’m sure was lying. How could he possibly have been telling the truth? No hand job is a good hand job.
Why Can’t We Be Friends?
Your friends are visiting, but you are at a complete loss where to take them out to eat. They’ve tasted the ecstasy of drunken nachos, they’ve indulged in Cinna- and Wildebread alike, so what now? Let On the Menu show you the answer with these delicious local restaurants that are sure to please, impress and entertain friends and family.
Nicki’s Nifty News: Is It My Turn to Be Bug Monitor?
A schoolteacher in Los Angeles has added a brand-new task for her students: Bug Monitor. Teacher Melodie Conrad said that there is just too much violence in society, and she doesn’t want her students to be a part of that. She wants to teach them compassion and understanding for other living things, including bugs. The […]
SB Waxes Cal Poly in Slugfest
After beating up on little-known Marist the last time they played in Santa Barbara, the Gauchos (6-3 overall) showed the home fans that they can keep up with more talented teams as well, defeating Cal Poly (3-5 overall) 10-8 yesterday at Caesar Uyesaka Stadium.
Alleged Fugitive To Face Extradition, Sentencing
New details regarding last week’s arrest of a long-time UCSB faculty member continue to shed light on a story that has surprised and baffled many in the university community.
UCSB Looks to Down Matadors
The #13 UCSB men’s volleyball team continues their four-match road swing down south to face #3 Cal State Northridge tonight in Northridge. The Gauchos (5-8 overall, 7-10 in the Mountain Pacific Sports Federation) are on a three-match losing streak, while the Matadors (10-3, 14-4 MPSF) are riding an eight-game winning streak, most recently defeating and displacing the previous #3 team, Long Beach State.
Plagiarism Phobias Hinder Quality Work
I recently wrote a 10-page paper about basic evolutionary biology, and, wow, what a miserable experience that was. It’s such a simple topic to write about; I should have been able to do it in my sleep. Instead, it took me days. This agony was not because of the topic or the content of the paper. In fact, the subject matter is easy to understand, and Darwin’s theories do hold my interest. The reason I spent so much time on it was because I needed to rewrite every word perfectly to avoid accusations of plagiarism, which professors love to warn us about.
Supervisor Candidates Address Isla Vista Issues
Debating topics ranging from tenants’ rights to coastal development, the five candidates vying for the position of 3rd District supervisor met in front of a largely student audience in Isla Vista last night.
Tired Gauchos Give Up Tight Match
A three-hour marathon match in the top-ranked singles slot ended in heartbreak for senior Marta Simic and the UCSB women’s tennis team as the squad dropped their first match at home 4-3 to Georgia State. Simic’s match, which went into a tie break after she and Panther junior Dariana Kozmina each took a set, ended 5-7, 6-1, 9-6 in Kozmina’s favor. The intense match proved to be the deciding factor in the Santa Barbara loss.
He Said, He Said: Headwear Fanatics Are, Frankly, Too Legit To Quit
As a hat connoisseur, I am the most appropriate person to shed some light on the important issue of hat wearing. Trust me, if you’ve ever been to my apartment, you know there are about a zillion different types of hats lying around, constantly being trampled. That is only when stupid people don’t hide them and force me to display my luscious locks without the protection of my favorite lid – the ironic anti-smoking green trucker hat. Not funny, guys.