“MONSTER BURRITO.” Now, the traditional stereotype of Americans is of fat, ignorant, boisterous people. The words “monster burrito” don’t exactly offset this theory. These were the first words I read when I arrived in Isla Vista from the UK, as I entered a certain establishment called Freebirds before the new quarter began. Isla Vista was a ghost town, and Freebirds was the only eatery open.

I decided to avoid this behemoth feast for my first meal, and go for the reliable staple of nachos. Little did I realise that this too is a sneak attack on my cholesterol. Covered in mounds of cheese, chicken, and tomatoes, the stockpile of nachos was more than enough for me, and while all my foreign companions have likewise stuffed themselves with American-sized Mexican food, I decided to save the nachos for later and put them in the kitchen of my new Isla Vista apartment.

This column is dedicated to my various findings, grumblings and experiences at UCSB, all from my own quaint British point of view. And before you question my non-English sounding name – yes, we have immigration too – let me assure you that I do indeed drink tea with crumpets, my dental hygiene is appalling and I whip out my monocle whenever I’m curious.

Let’s get the good stuff out of the way. There are beaches with sand over here! The sun actually shines for more than two weeks of the year! People are friendly and strangers talk to you! These are enough reasons for me to be extremely happy in Santa Barbara. There’s more – you see, before I came here, I did not know the significance of the words “Del Playa,” with house parties as far as the eye can see, red cups lying everywhere – just like the movies! – and with, to quote Kanye, “all of these drunk and hot girls,” life has been pretty intriguing to say the least. And speaking of alcohol…

Beer: Good word. Pong: Not bad. Flip: Pretty nice. Cup: Also performs well as a word. To make things clearer, I very much like Beer Pong and Flip Cup. American beer aside (I’ll come to that in a minute), these are great drinking games, and immense fun at house parties. Rest assured, I will be taking these games back to England and getting my friends wankered. That’s slang for drunk.

Now for the grumbles – and I’m probably going to lose a few of you after this but – that shiny kitchen foil? It’s aluminIUM, not aloominam. There is an extra ‘i’ after the ‘n.’ Whoever thought he could change the English language and make it simpler was wrong. Second, your cars all have TYRES, not tires. Those four things have nothing to do with being sleepy. I know, I know, this is a lot to take in and you’ve been wrong all your life. Third, there is definitely dough in ‘donuts.’ Unless you work at Dunkin’ Donuts, make an effort to spell. Finally – and this goes out to all the “hardcore” drinkers out there – you guys don’t have real beer. It tastes like piss, and it also has next to zero percent alcohol in it. If any of you travel to Europe, please use caution before you drink what I like to call REAL BEER. It is much, much better than the raccoon piss you guys drink. So, that’s probably my rant over for now, but I’m sure I’ll pick up a few more things to moan about. Please don’t deport me.