Great parties tend to adhere to a complex formula incorporating the proper balance, location and amount of certain crucial party aspects. Some of these aspects include music, alcohol, and the female to male ratio. Recent studies show that parties labeled “boring,” “lame” or “sausage fests” do not properly follow certain aspects of this “great party” formula. Research has been conducted, and I will now share with you the results of extensive research on how to get rid of these party faux pas according to the Associated Student Studies of Partying, International Relations And Themed Events (ASSPIRATE).

First, as always, is the alcohol. The most important aspect of alcohol is the amount. This may seem pretty obvious, yet most parties out there are still running out of alcohol, sometimes even before midnight. Nothing is shittier than getting in party mode and arriving at a party where there is no booze. Make sure you vary the types of alcohol you provide as well. Party guests, specifically stuck-up bitches, like variety – and even quality – if you are able to provide it. Also, location matters. Keg placement can make or break any party. People don’t want to stand around in a crowded corner to fight over a foamy keg of beer. Place it in a location that is easy to get to and, upon filling your beer, is easy to return to the party from.

Music is crucial to any social gathering. Any DJ will tell you that the right songs mixed together and played continuously make for a happenin’ dance floor. If a DJ is out of your budget range, make a playlist of songs that are great to dance to and that have no musical breaks. Also, hide your iPod or laptop, so no one can try to change the songs or, even worse, steal your shit. I hate it when I’m drunk and getting my groove on at a party and the music stops. Whether it’s a song with a long talking intro or some stupid-ass band with no musical taste, these little moments can kill a good party.

The volume and location of music is also crucial to stepping your party up a notch. If you have a small crib, don’t use speakers the size of midgets. Sure, your party will sound sick from a block away, but all the people actually there are forced to dance. Some people like to drink and socialize, and shouting in someone’s ear makes for an awkward conversation. Also, the location is important. If you can, try to section off your house so there is a dance area separate from the drinking and socializing area.

A few trashcans placed throughout the party will make a world of difference. This will save you time cleaning in the morning and make your party look a little nicer. One of the worst things at a party is when someone yaks all over the floor or wall or the person next to them. If a few conveniently placed trashcans are around, this major party foul may be prevented.

The ratio of men to women must be managed strictly. Once the party has too many guys – usually over 60 percent – it is deemed a sausage fest and can only get worse. The only kinds of guys that stay at a party filled with cock are the kinds that just want to get shit-faced and rowdy. This goes both ways. Although extremely rare, vagina fests do occur. Even though the outcome is not as destructive, a party can quickly empty once the girls realize that there are not enough dudes.

Toilet paper in the bathrooms is important for the host and the guest. Oftentimes, girls will just leave a party if there is no toilet paper. Even worse, I have heard girls say that when they use a bathroom at a party and there is no toilet paper, they use the host’s towel. You definitely don’t want to rub some chick’s vajayjay remnants all over your body the next time you take a shower. Or even worse, think about how you’d feel if a guy used your towel after dropping a fat deuce. Ewww!

The last party killer is beer pong. That’s right, I said it. No one wants to get drunk at a party and watch your sorry ass throw ping-pong balls into red cups. A four-person drinking game that takes up a lot of space and time is not meant for parties. As much as I love beer pong, I never play it at parties – only when chilling with a few friends. This also goes for most other drinking games. They can be a great way to start the night, but when you have more than six people trying to play kings or asshole, participants lose interest.

Next time you throw a party, keep these things in mind. If you are at a party and you see it going sour, try to help the host follow the great party formula.