This story appears as part of the Daily Nexus’ 2007 April Fools’ issue.

In a shocking announcement, the Supreme Court voted 5-4 yesterday to allow women to participate in intercollegiate athletics starting next fall. Horrified men across the country watched women celebrate in the streets, as their century-long struggle for equality finally ended.

The decision came despite clear evidence that women are physically inferior to their male counterparts. A recent study conducted by the Advancement of Men’s Superiority Institute showed that women are unable to mentally process advance sporting strategy and techniques and that the female body is not strong enough to sustain prolonged physical stress.

“I’m scared my mommy might die,” said five-year-old LaQuesha Smith regarding her mother’s potential sporting involvement. “I love her so she should be careful when exercising.”