Hi class! I’m Beck Hansen and I’ll be your professor of funk for the duration of the quarter. Now, please, pay no mind to my devil’s haircut and turn to the first page of your reader, my latest release, The Information. Oh no! The publisher must have set the type wrong! It’s a mess! I feel like such a loser!

Look at this! Out of the fifteen tracks on my album, only five are worth listening to. My album starts off promising enough with the groovy cruise-control song, “Elevator Music.” However, I quickly give rise to suspicion on my subsequent track, “Think I’m In Love,” which doesn’t deliver any joy until the 1:45 minute mark where beautiful strings and piano chords accompany the song only briefly.

I also overindulge in traditional hippie drumbeats and bang or clang anything I can get my hands on such as the triangle in the mundane “Dark Star.” When that gimmick doesn’t work, I grab out the keyboard and hit some bleeps and bloops until I have finally created the absolute worst song on my album, “1000 BPM,” which is full of so much terrible dissonance, your ear drums will most likely explode from this debacle I call a song.

Fortunately, there are a few excellent tracks which are among the best in my career. Songs like “Cellphone’s Dead” infuse Bee Gees-like funk into your skull and bring delightful energy to an otherwise flat album, reminding you of the days where I used to rock out in the woods and embrace junk culture proudly.

Yet, my best moment is in “Nausea,” where I reveal my angsty side over one of the most awesome bass and guitar riffs to come out this side of the millennium. If my normally amazing producer Nigel Godrich had noticed this, I could have blown you away. Instead, the needless inclusion of spacey electronics make songs like “Movie Theme” seem like they belong on Air’s Talkie Walkie, which Godrich also produced.

Thus, to make up for this mess, I have released specially packaged versions of my album that include music videos for all my new songs. Unfortunately, the U.K. has determined this to be an unfair marketing advantage and has since banned The Information from their album charts, regardless of sales. Anyway, sorry for the mix-up. Class dismissed.