Dear Incoming Freshmen:
We need to have a serious talk, and no, it can’t wait until after you’re done reading the sex column in the bathroom. So, please, put that thing away.
Now, let’s face it. Your incoming test scores are amazing, your average GPA is one of the highest in UCSB history and you’re also not too bad to look at either. Hell, I might even take you out on a date, but I’m not so sure that you’re 18 yet, so for now, let’s just keep this platonic, OK?
Great. So here’s the deal: The folks over at the Office of Admissions have promised us that you’re all a bunch of geniuses who can’t wait to contribute to this spectacular campus. However, they had also promised us once that we could be a family again when the Angels won the pennant. As such, we at the Daily Nexus would like more proof.
We want you to write for us – anything that your little freshmen hearts desire – because, after all, the opinion section is your page. Go ahead and write about how you hate the drinking fountain at the DLG or how you tricked that hot RA from the Anacapa Residence Hall into believing you’re a sexy grad student.
Or feel free to write about your discontent with that local police officer who gave you a ticket just because you know how to party. And man, do you, the Class of 2010, know how to party or what? We heard about those rad senior grad parties you had while your parents were away for the weekend visiting
Grandma in Reno, and let me tell you, that prank you pulled on Tony Modaris with the potato gun and the three bags of flour – that was legendary.
You can write about national and global issues, pop culture, fashion, the environment – whatever interests you! Submit columns as many times as you want! In fact, if enough of your columns get printed, you may be hired as a staff member and get paid. Yes, you read correctly. That’s more moolah for your new Freebirds’ binging habits, edging you closer to that Freshmen 15 you so truly deserve after four years of high school.
Columns have a maximum space of 700 words, while letters to the editor – which are responses to other columns – may not exceed 250 words. E-mail your opinions to email@example.com and always include your name, year and major as well as your phone number so that the opinion editor can verify your existence. Do not submit a column under a false name, as this will cause our opinion editor to rescind his birthday party invitation to you, and trust us, you don’t want that to happen. He has clowns and ponies.