The Daily Nexus Gives Fossil Fuel to the Foul and Sweets to the Superb.

Tension-relieving candy canes for take-home finals and the saintly professors who assign them.

Inevitable, end-of-the quarter lumps of coal, however, for finals in general.

Festive candy canes for the holiday season, which makes late November to early January a non-stop party.

Lonely, festivity-free lumps of coal for having to stay in I.V. and work during the holidays.

Smooth-riding candy canes for campus maintenance for flattening the bump in the bike path near the library.

Soulless coal for professors who didn’t cancel class the day before Thanksgiving break.

Scratch-free, dent-free candy canes to spacious parking in I.V. during Winter break.

A side-by-side pair of coal lumps for morons who ride next to each other on the bike path.

Toss-you-out-on-your-ass candy canes to UCSB for tossing the smelly freshmen out of the dorms for the break.

Ch-ch-chilly, Minnesota-born lumps of coal to the recent bout of cold weather.

Last-minute, well-written candy canes for Professors Patricia Morrill and Richard Hecht.

Slow-loading, unfamiliar lumps of coal to Hotmail for redesigning their site poorly.

Spam-flavored candy canes for Paris Hilton, whose pornographic junk mail makes e-mail more fun.

Lazy lumps of coal to electric vehicles buzzing down the bike path and the people riding them.

Disturbingly sexy candy canes for department store elves and their tight-fitting elf costumes. Jingle my bells, baby.