ZZ Top held at Guantanamo Bay
KANDAHAR, Afghanistan (AP) – The first planeload of ZZ Top bandmembers and their bearded fans departed from a Marine base at Kandahar’s airport Sunday night and was flown to a U.S. military detention camp in Cuba, a spokesperson said.
U.S. Army nukes the Philippines
A U.S. salvage team has found the remains of five American servicemen killed in the Army helicopter which accidentally dropped a nuclear bomb while participating in a counter-terrorism drill in the southern Philippines,a U.S. official said Sunday.
feature photo: Godzilla visits campus
Editor’s Note: This story is from the April Fool’s issue of the Daily Nexus.
Snowy plovers take law into their own hands
A young plover tucks his assault rifle under his wing and marches methodically along the barbed wire fences. From behind enemy lines, he scornfully eyes nature’s biggest enemies: surfers, small children and puppies.
Hampton epiphany: ‘I am an idiot’
He was sitting on the toilet, captured in the moment, hands whirling and pumping like a small engine, when it happened: our illustrious and athletic Associated Students President, Brian Hampton, came to the realization that he is a pathetic idiot.
Martha Stewart comes out as replicant, reproduces asexually
Television hostess Martha Stewart – America’s ideal stay-at-home mommy – became a mother on national television yesterday when she asexually birthed her own offspring.
Argument between homeless and IVRPD resolves to remain unresolved
After two months of ugly haggling, the Isla Vista Recreation and Parks District and local homeless advocates reached an agreement to go on arguing forever. The plan resolves everything by resolving absolutely nothing.