1. Album of the Year, No Seriously, Listen to Me, It’s a Lot Better Than You Think – N.E.R.D., In Search Of… Listen to it. It’s brilliant, right? No, it’s brilliant.

2. “What is Your Job, Exactly?” of the Year – Shay from N.E.R.D. Far as I know, he can’t sing, rap or produce, but he’s on the cover of the album and in every interview. Truly the embodiment of the American Dream.

3. Comeback of the Year – Mariah Carey. Just so I have another chance to say, “Yarrr, the hot pants, yarrr!”

4. Website of the Year (and Pretty Much the Last Four Years) – Buddyhead . Specializing in giving out celebrities’ home phone numbers, being mean to people for no apparent reason and occasionally getting sued for libel. The other embodiment of the American Dream.

5. And the 2002 “What the Fuck Are You Talking About, Dude?” Award Goes To… – George Clinton of Parliament/Funkadelic. “We work hand-in-hand with Snoop. We just took him to the space station three weeks ago. NASA wouldn’t take him, Russia wouldn’t take him … they wanted 3 million dollars each to take him. We wanted how much? A hundred and twenty-one dollars? A hundred and twenty-one dollars.”