A Small White Tube to Wrap His Lips Around

Sunday, Nov. 10, 12:11 a.m.: Some days you just can’t do anything right.

An Isla Vista Foot Patrol officer responded to a report of a fight involving pepper spray near a residence on the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive.

When the officer arrived at the scene, he immediately sensed a presence of pepper spray strong enough to overpower the presence of drunken hormones common to the Del Playa area. The officer also noted a 20-year-old man bent over, clutching his knees, surrounded by puddles of vomit.

As roadside puddles of vomit often signal to police officers an evening gone awry, the officer approached Pukey McPuddles to see if he was reacting to a shot of pepper spray. “I drank way too much,” McPuddles told the officer. Upon being asked if he attended school locally, McPuddles said he went to USC, but later decided he attended CSU Long Beach. The officer noted the signs of intoxication -puke puddles, slurred speech, odor of alcohol, and confusion- and arrested him.

While in custody, McPuddles repeatedly asked officers if he could smoke a cigarette. Repeatedly, officers denied him this luxury. Officers also asked him to be more cooperative, to which McPuddles responded, “You’re not cooperative, you faggot. You’re not letting me have a cigarette.” He then added -quite eloquently – “I’d like to be cool with you, but I can’t because you guys are being such dicks.”

McPuddles further deepened his friendship with the IVFP by repeatedly referring to officers as “motherfuckers” and “faggots” and requesting that they perform fellatio on him.

Although McPuddles spent the night in the Santa Barbara County Jail for public intoxication, he probably never realized the true irony of assembling “cigarettes” and “fags” in the same drunken diatribe. In England, cigarettes are actually called “fags” and if he lived there, he’d have a much healthier association with the word. Think about that one, McPuddles.

-compiled from police reports of the Isla Vista Foot Patrol