The proposed construction site for the new California NanoSystems Institute (CNSI) building will eliminate 1,407 parking spaces at UCSB. The institute’s director, Doctor Who, announced Friday that the building will not cause a major parking shortage as many faculty and staff have feared.

“With technology recently developed at CNSI, we plan to begin construction of a fleet of very small cars for faculty, staff and students,” Who said. “We call the new vehicles Mario Karts because using our technology, approximately five times the university’s population can park on an area the size of Mario T. Garcia’s ass.”

Other faculty members at CNSI have announced plans for miniature buses and trains, as well as a high-speed monorail known as the “micro-Yang.”

Campus parking advocate Mario T. Garcia declined to comment and the size of his ass could not be determined at press time.