One Stacked Library: The Post-Finals Realization That You Have Been Dating Davidson

As planned, Davidson Library will under- go a significant expansion and renovation over the course of the next two years. Construction begins this summer and will be completed sometime in 2014. Current underclassmen and prospective students are thrilled by the possibility of more study space and a larger collection of academic resources, but Davidson Library’s […]

It’s Gettin’ Hot in Hurr’: Partygoers Nearly Suffocate in Hormone Cloud

UCSB’s Christ-centered fraternity threw a party this past Saturday. With no drugs or alcohol there, the party was completely fueled by the force of repressed sexual energy emanating from the male and female partygoers. The party was thrown in celebration of the engagement of Sarah Smith and Luke Connors, who agreed to get married last […]

Yang in a Wig to Replace Snoop Dogg at Extravaganza

Due to bad investments, the Associated Students Program Board has discovered it cannot afford to hire legendary rapper Snoop Dogg for next Sunday’s Extravaganza concert. Fortunately, our generous leader, Chancellor Henry T. Yang, has agreed to step in and perform Snoop’s entire set while wearing a wig and makeup. “I know Snoop’s whole set,” the […]

UC San Diego Student’s Drug Bust Turns Into Luckiest Thing Ever

On April 20, Daniel Chong was just relaxing and smoking marijuana with friends. Though it was the annual 4/20 holiday, smoking was not a rare activity for Daniel. He was just going about his normal day. All of a sudden, DEA agents raided his house and his life changed forever. During the raid, DEA agents […]

I Got Arrested; George Zimmerman Did Not Get Arrested


On the night of Feb. 26, 2012, in Sanford, Florida, George Zimmerman shot and killed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. Miraculously, Zimmerman has not been arrested or charged with any crimes. Our readers wish they could be so lucky. Today we are taking the time to answer emails from readers who have been arrested for offenses that […]

Jeremy Lin: Greatest African-American Basketball Player Ever

Linsanity has reached a new milestone. After only two-and-a-half weeks of stellar play, the basketball world is in agreement that Jeremy Lin has eclipsed Detlef Schrempf as the greatest African-American basketball player ever. So what? In this day and age is it truly necessary to categorize athletes on the basis of race alone? I thought […]

The Best and Worst of 2012: The Forgotten Categories

This past Tuesday the Daily Nexus published its Best of 2012 issue. Readers voted on the best restaurants, locations and establishments of 2012. Today we have our own edition — The Best and Worst of 2012: The Forgotten Categories.   Best Place for Guaranteed Diarrhea: Naan Stop If you’re looking for a long night on […]

FBI Agents Giddy About Gaucho Gossip

Prompted by three recent acts of terrorism in the UCSB community, the student body has fallen under scrutiny from the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security. Reporters have learned that these agencies are tapping the phones and monitoring the text messages of all UCSB students under the provisions of the Patriot Act of 2001. […]

Raucous Party Sparks Philisophical Debate

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, does it make a sound? The famous words of philosopher Charles Mann hold special relevance for Kyle Bartman following his belligerent 21st birthday party this past Saturday night. All attendees have lost their memory of the party and, as a result, the very occurrence […]

Teammates Criticize Eli Manning’s Stupid Face

As the New York Giants prepare to face off with the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl for the second time in five years, Eli Manning’s leadership is being questioned by his own teammates due to his constant shit-eating grin and unbelievably annoying facial expression. Victor Cruz, breakout wide receiver, doesn’t doubt Manning’s abilities […]