Post Tagged with: "matt renner"

UCSB Gets Savvy About Dodging Sex Scandals
Opinion / Satire

UCSB Gets Savvy About Dodging Sex Scandals

Recent allegations against Jerry Sandusky and the surrounding scandal at Penn State have been a wake-up call for UCSB administrators. “This school simply cannot afford to endure a sexual abuse scandal right now,” Jason Appelstien, the university’s general counsel, warned. Officials have already taken strong measures to prevent sexual activity […]

Opinion / Satire

Regents Approve Fee Hike for UC’s Most Attractive Students

Amidst growing pressure from protesters, the UC Regents unanimously passed a measure that raises the fees of the top one percent most beautiful students by $400 per quarter. The protestors, who have been hosting large-scale protests since September, have picketed outside beauty salons, designer shoe stores and sorority houses advocating […]

Opinion / Satire

Annual Festival for Gold Diggers Commences Tonight

Isla Vista will hold its annual festival for gold diggers tonight and throughout the weekend. Sources confirm that thousands of scantily clad ladies will roam the streets of Isla Vista looking for men who can support them financially, and shower them with extravagant gifts. Future trophy wife Anna Lane couldn’t […]

Opinion / Satire

UCSB Volleyball Team Raises Money Selling DNA to Aryan Brotherhood

Statewide budget cuts have put pressure on almost every department of UCSB. Even our most successful sports programs have recently found themselves strapped for cash. But, by a stroke of luck, the UCSB volleyball team was approached by Barry Mills, leader of the white supremacist gang the Aryan Brotherhood. Mills […]

Lagoon “Very Impressed” With Length and Girth of Storke Tower
Opinion / Satire

Lagoon “Very Impressed” With Length and Girth of Storke Tower

Sources have confirmed that the Lagoon and Storke Tower “hooked up” for the first time this past Saturday night. The two were seen canoodling outside a party at their mutual friend Campbell Hall’s house. Friends of the Lagoon say that she was initially attracted to Storke Tower’s imposing physical stature. […]