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UCSB Gets Savvy About Dodging Sex Scandals

UCSB Gets Savvy About Dodging Sex Scandals

Recent allegations against Jerry Sandusky and the surrounding scandal at Penn State have been a wake-up call for UCSB administrators. “This school simply cannot afford to endure a sexual abuse…

Regents Approve Fee Hike for UC’s Most Attractive Students

Amidst growing pressure from protesters, the UC Regents unanimously passed a measure that raises the fees of the top one percent most beautiful students by $400 per quarter. The protestors,…

Annual Festival for Gold Diggers Commences Tonight

Isla Vista will hold its annual festival for gold diggers tonight and throughout the weekend. Sources confirm that thousands of scantily clad ladies will roam the streets of Isla Vista…

UCSB Volleyball Team Raises Money Selling DNA to Aryan Brotherhood

Statewide budget cuts have put pressure on almost every department of UCSB. Even our most successful sports programs have recently found themselves strapped for cash. But, by a stroke of…

Lagoon “Very Impressed” With Length and Girth of Storke Tower

Lagoon “Very Impressed” With Length and Girth of Storke Tower

Sources have confirmed that the Lagoon and Storke Tower “hooked up” for the first time this past Saturday night. The two were seen canoodling outside a party at their mutual…

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