I Never Tell a Lie, Except for Those Times When I Do

The average person tells seven lies a day. I’m not sure if I read that from a Snapple fact or if I just made that up. But anyway, I didn’t believe it at first, until I started listening to half the shit I say. And turns out, it’s probably right. And I’m likely above average. […]

The Roommate Double-Double: Careful Where That Appetite Takes You

Logic is the devil of language. And you want to know why? Because it would make perfect sense for you to fall in love with your hookup’s roommate. Talk about a classic mix-up. Have you ever woken up after a night of (self-proclaimed) “slay city” and looked across the room only to find the most […]

She Said: “Looking like you don’t give a fuck that you’re not getting fucked is difficult.”

Valentine’s Day is over, and thank God for that. I’m not even talking about the relationship bullshit (well, not yet anyway). Now that the girls of I.V. are finally off the gluten/dairy/sugar-free crash diet, we can all stop being raging bitches. Looking like you don’t give a fuck that you’re not getting fucked is difficult. […]

“I’m Rooting for Peyton Manning”

Watching the Super Bowl for girls is like watching the WNBA … for anyone. We hate it, we really do. But we’d never tell you that. In fact, we spend our entire Super Bowl Sunday attempting to show you how much we like totes magotes know about football. This is the one day a year […]

“I’m Not a Slut, I Swear” and Other Bedroom Mantras

“Shit Girls Say” started an epidemic. I just watched “Shit People Say About Shit People Say Videos” for a solid minute and 39 seconds; yeah, it’s gotten to that point. But you know what they don’t have? A “Shit Guys and Girls Say During or After Hookups That Just Really, Really Should Not Be Happening.” […]

Booty Texting: How to Send the Right Message

We’ve all been guilty of booty calling. Or maybe not, but your day of shame will come, young grasshopper. “Hey, what are you doing,” “Where are you?” “Wanna hang?” all sound innocent … unless of course it’s 3 a.m. Answering the booty call is always awkward as shit. Here’s where the truth just doesn’t work: […]

When Early Morning Stealth Fails, Awkwardness Prevails

If you haven’t had the sheer terror of waking up in a bed that’s not your own, with your first thought being, “I need to get the fuck out of here,” then you haven’t lived. No, I kid, I kid. Bravo. For those of us keeping the slut reputation of UCSB alive, this one’s for […]