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Wednesday Hump

Just Short of Naked: Halloween Costumes That Work Your Assets

As Halloween approaches, I find myself wondering what wonders the October holiday has in store for me. Will I relive freshman year, when a downpour melted the “costumes” off of a group of Isla Vis...
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Let’s Play: Toys in the Bedroom

Ladies and gentlemen, I come before you today a woman who enjoys indulging in her favorite adult toy when her roommates are gone. I am an avid fan of toys and if you aren’t, then you’ve probably n...
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Coming Out With a Bang: This Hump Columnist’s Out and Proud

Readers, it is with my first words that I must apologize: This Hump will not be on the seduction strategies of women in I.V. as was promised last week. Instead, I have been compelled by a number of so...
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Four Men Any Isla Vistan Knows … and Many Have Slept With

With the first weekend of school recently past, I find myself in the aftermath of what few parties I could be dragged to, analyzing the information I gathered from them. While adrift in our beloved de...
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First Year Fornication: To Hump One or Many, That is the Question

As the new school year dawns, I find myself inundated by the increased amount of strange faces around IV. These are undoubtedly our new and deeply respected incoming freshmen, and so allow me to welco...
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Lessons From The Bachelor and the Older, Sexless Buddy

Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to keep his relationship with a girl casual. Let’s call him a “noncommittal dating partner.” Understandably, however, he was often mistaken for a boy...
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Thrusting to the Finish: Seniors Knock Boots Before Riding Into the Sunset

It’s that time of the year again. June gloom slowly creeps up, with the calendar bitching at you to get your life together while your hands desperately shove tequila shots down your throat in an att...
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Coming Out on Top: The Down-Low on Bending the Straight Line and Pegging the Sexually Confused

If you ever feel like risking your immortal soul, it is my suggestion that you peruse Craigslist’s casual encounters. The activity is quite enjoyable, especially if you are as demented as me and my ...
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Prude to Crude: How One Freshman Found Her Inner Freak

Until college, I was the prude. The hot Asian prude, but nonetheless the prude. At my ironically slutty all-girls Catholic school, everyone tried to hide their obvious skankiness. And while my boyfrie...
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Who’s on Top? How Society Dictates Your Position in Life and in the Bedroom

Now, I know I have almost beaten gender roles in our society to death, but I’ve still got one last little bit to harp on. All of this theory is leading up to something — a part of my sex life an a...
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Respect Your Elders: Keep the Legacy Alive (Beneath the Sheets and Beyond)

Alumni Weekend came as quickly as an undersexed 35-year-old with a full-time cubicle job as soon as he spots something fertile. Like a dark, ominous cloud — holding not refreshing showers, but a dis...
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Where to Turn When BROing and HOing Have Lost Their Appeal

Most unfortunately, in order to speak of this next topic, I will have to address something fetid and repulsive. I’m going to talk about an aspect of intercourse that is often lost, forgotten, feared...
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I Never Tell a Lie, Except for Those Times When I Do

The average person tells seven lies a day. I’m not sure if I read that from a Snapple fact or if I just made that up. But anyway, I didn’t believe it at first, until I started listening to half th...
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Don’t Base Your Desires on the Gender Binary: Go For What Gets You Off

Nation. People. Literate UCSB students. I come before you today to offer a study that will revolutionize science. Its elegance, infallibility, and pure genius will force the Nobel committee to establi...
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The Roommate Double-Double: Careful Where That Appetite Takes You

Logic is the devil of language. And you want to know why? Because it would make perfect sense for you to fall in love with your hookup’s roommate. Talk about a classic mix-up. Have you ever woken up...
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