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Satire

The Best and Worst of 2012: The Forgotten Categories

This past Tuesday the Daily Nexus published its Best of 2012 issue. Readers voted on the best restaurants, locations and establishments of 2012. Today we have our own edition — The Best and Worst of...
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FBI Agents Giddy About Gaucho Gossip

Prompted by three recent acts of terrorism in the UCSB community, the student body has fallen under scrutiny from the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security. Reporters have learned that these age...
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Teammates Criticize Eli Manning’s Stupid Face

As the New York Giants prepare to face off with the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl for the second time in five years, Eli Manning’s leadership is being questioned by his own teammates due to...
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Peeping Tom Mulls Over Puzzling Heartbreak

When you get betrayed, it is best not to let your emotions get the best of you. Even though my emotions are still raw, I am taking this opportunity to vent. Recently I was left heartbroken by someone ...
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A Christmas Miracle: Professor Thanks His Students

I am writing this piece to thank the students in my Economics 157 class who opened their hearts and bailed me out during a rough time. It all started a couple of years ago when I lost a lot of money i...
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UCSB Gets Savvy About Dodging Sex Scandals

Recent allegations against Jerry Sandusky and the surrounding scandal at Penn State have been a wake-up call for UCSB administrators. “This school simply cannot afford to endure a sexual abuse scand...
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Regents Approve Fee Hike for UC’s Most Attractive Students

Amidst growing pressure from protesters, the UC Regents unanimously passed a measure that raises the fees of the top one percent most beautiful students by $400 per quarter. The protestors, who have b...
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Annual Festival for Gold Diggers Commences Tonight

Isla Vista will hold its annual festival for gold diggers tonight and throughout the weekend. Sources confirm that thousands of scantily clad ladies will roam the streets of Isla Vista looking for men...
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A.S. Legislative Council Postponed, Members Await Bail Money

An Associated Students Legislative Council session could not proceed yesterday due to the fact that every member is currently in custody at Santa Barbara County Jail for various criminal activities. A...
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I.V.F.P. Officer Bummed Students Never Invite Him to Parties

As a police officer, I am sworn to protect and serve the community. And, although I am a professional who wouldn’t let anything get in the way of my duty, I wish the community would show a bit more ...
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Fraternity Dog Looking to Settle Down, Try His Paw at Love

Let me start by saying that I am the house dog and a proud member of the Pi Omega Omega Pi fraternity. I love all my brothers and I know that one day those guys will be the groomsmen at my wedding. In...
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UCSB Volleyball Team Raises Money Selling DNA to Aryan Brotherhood

Statewide budget cuts have put pressure on almost every department of UCSB. Even our most successful sports programs have recently found themselves strapped for cash. But, by a stroke of luck, the UCS...
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Lagoon “Very Impressed” With Length and Girth of Storke Tower

Sources have confirmed that the Lagoon and Storke Tower “hooked up” for the first time this past Saturday night. The two were seen canoodling outside a party at their mutual friend Campbell Hall...
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