New App Makes Every Day ‘Dog Therapy Day’*

*Meant to be read purely as satire.

Area Man Makes Unfortunate Assumption*

After grossly overestimating his ability to attract women, a local man finds himself put out to sea.

Photo courtesy of wikimedia.org
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“Mass Shooting” A Term Thrown Around Too Casually*

Mathew Javidi offers a satirical view of America’s desensitization towards gun-related violence.

My Love Affair With the TSA

An intimate encounter with a TSA agent leaves David Jackson lovestruck.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

One Stacked Library: The Post-Finals Realization That You Have Been Dating Davidson

As planned, Davidson Library will under- go a significant expansion and renovation over the course of the next two years. Construction begins this summer and will be completed sometime in 2014. Current underclassmen and prospective students are thrilled by the possibility of more study space and a larger collection of academic resources, but Davidson Library’s […]

Protagonist Finds Solace in Gordita Crunch Wrappper

Recently, I took a trip to Taco Bell. I was craving my usual cheesy Gordita Crunch, but the real reason I wanted to go was to try the new Doritos locos taco. This new item combines the satisfying heartiness of a taco with the outrageous flavor of nacho cheese Doritos. The sharp minds at Taco […]

It’s Gettin’ Hot in Hurr’: Partygoers Nearly Suffocate in Hormone Cloud

UCSB’s Christ-centered fraternity threw a party this past Saturday. With no drugs or alcohol there, the party was completely fueled by the force of repressed sexual energy emanating from the male and female partygoers. The party was thrown in celebration of the engagement of Sarah Smith and Luke Connors, who agreed to get married last […]

Yang in a Wig to Replace Snoop Dogg at Extravaganza

Due to bad investments, the Associated Students Program Board has discovered it cannot afford to hire legendary rapper Snoop Dogg for next Sunday’s Extravaganza concert. Fortunately, our generous leader, Chancellor Henry T. Yang, has agreed to step in and perform Snoop’s entire set while wearing a wig and makeup. “I know Snoop’s whole set,” the […]

UC San Diego Student’s Drug Bust Turns Into Luckiest Thing Ever

On April 20, Daniel Chong was just relaxing and smoking marijuana with friends. Though it was the annual 4/20 holiday, smoking was not a rare activity for Daniel. He was just going about his normal day. All of a sudden, DEA agents raided his house and his life changed forever. During the raid, DEA agents […]

OPP, DP, B.O.S.S.: They’re All Just Arbitrary Acronyms to Me

Voting for UCSB’s annual Associated Students elections begins this Monday, and I still don’t know which party to vote for. I was going to vote for the party that put the large, obstructive signs in the middle of the bike path’s roundabouts. Unfortunately, I recently got into a bike accident that resulted in a serious […]

Man Uses Titanic in 3D as Last-Ditch Effort to Get Laid

On Saturday, April 7, local ladies’ man Brendan Marden bought tickets for himself and Jennifer Pollard for the newly re-released “Titanic” in 3D in an attempt to get laid. Marden, who had been “trying to hit that for months,” marked the date as his last effort to finally have sex with Pollard, who, as he […]

I Got Arrested; George Zimmerman Did Not Get Arrested

On the night of Feb. 26, 2012, in Sanford, Florida, George Zimmerman shot and killed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. Miraculously, Zimmerman has not been arrested or charged with any crimes. Our readers wish they could be so lucky. Today we are taking the time to answer emails from readers who have been arrested for offenses that […]


Baby-Eating: Still the Obvious Solution to Our Economic Woes

In his seminal 1729 essay, “A Modest Proposal,” social theorist Jonathan Swift presented a plan to solve Irish poverty through the exploitation of a valuable, renewable resource. Swift proposed infant cannibalism as a new food source for Ireland’s starving, huddled masses, having heard that “a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old […]

Bro, Your DJ Career Is Probably Not Going to Work Out

Dear Morning Stack,   Everybody is pressuring me to be something I’m not. My mom wants me to stay in school. My dad wants me to be a doctor, but I want to be a DJ. I’m not interested in chemistry or biology. I don’t care about the nervous system or the limbic system; all […]

Jeremy Lin: Greatest African-American Basketball Player Ever

Linsanity has reached a new milestone. After only two-and-a-half weeks of stellar play, the basketball world is in agreement that Jeremy Lin has eclipsed Detlef Schrempf as the greatest African-American basketball player ever. So what? In this day and age is it truly necessary to categorize athletes on the basis of race alone? I thought […]