Nexustentialism

Ted Cruz Extends Self-Quarantine Indefinitely Due to Popular Demand

Following contact with a coronavirus-infected individual at a conservative conference last week, Senator Ted Cruz voluntarily instated a self-quarantine, which, due to popular demand, has been extende...
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Freshman Taking Adderall for Intro Classes Fucked for Real Life

BREAKING — UCSB researchers focusing on the cognition of education have published a new report concluding that college freshmen who start using stimulant drugs such as Adderall as a study aid for cl...
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Graduate Student COLA To Be Paid in Gaucho Bucks

In the wake of graduate student protests demanding a cost-of-living adjustment, the university announced today that it had ultimately conceded to award the sought-after wage increase. Following a brie...
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Storke Tower Blasts Off

UCSB bore witness to a once-in-a-lifetime spectacle last week as Storke Tower’s countdown timer reached zero, its engines were ignited and it blasted off into the heavens. The roar deafened I.V. res...
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Phony in Phelps! TA Actually Eight Raccoons in Button-up, Khakis

PHELPS HALL — A wave of disillusionment fell over the faces of 20 wide-eyed pupils Thursday upon their discovery that their beloved teaching assistant, lack of living wage and all, was not the mathe...
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CALPIRG Turtle Exposed, Actually Tortoise

UCSB’s entire campus has been left reeling this week following the shocking discovery that CALPIRG’s turtle mascot has actually been a tortoise this whole time. “I truly don’t know what to bel...
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Breaking: UCSB Declared To Be in “Severe Clout Drought”

While California’s drought has momentarily subsided, an even worse drought has struck the UC Santa Barbara campus: a drought… of clout. The UCSB sociology department defines a clout drought as...
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Mountain Party Breaks Out During Occupation of Cheadle Hall

In shocking developments during this week’s graduate student occupation of Cheadle Hall, a mountain party had reportedly broken out on the top floor of the building, bringing the sounds of EDM to th...
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Hall Rules Clearly Based on Hammurabi’s Code

FT’s 12th-floor bulletin board was recently replaced with a pair of massive clay tablets, into which the new floor rules have been hand-chiseled. These new rules, as well as their method of proclama...
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Student Health Receives Influx of Sex Injuries Following Valentine’s Day

Student Health staffers were astonished this week by the staggering number of sex-related injuries presented to Student Health for treatment following this year’s 3-day Valentine’s weekend. Althou...
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New Student Loan Deferral Program Lets You Pass Your Crippling Debt Onto Your Children

On Wednesday, President Trump signed an executive order requiring the U.S. Department of Education to create a new student loan deferral program allowing students who find themselves in more debt than...
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Brotherly Lime Ride Leads to Unexpected Sexual Awakening

We often find love in the strangest places, whether it’s 11 shots deep at Sandbar or in the 8 a.m. Friday section where you look more like roadkill with a pulse than a college student. For second-ye...
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Monster Under Davidson Library Only Grows Hungrier

DAVIDSON LIBRARY — Reports have surfaced that the long-dormant eldritch monster residing under Davidson Library has grown restless due to a burgeoning hunger that can no longer be sated by our measl...
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UCSB Introduces Department of Student Vibes

UC Santa Barbara officials announced Tuesday that an all-new student-resource department would be making its way to campus in the fall of 2020: the Department of Student Vibes. In the brand-new Studen...
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Student Goes Barefoot as an Attempt To Be Perceived as Interesting

Earlier this week, sophomore Alex Graham decided to mix things up for once and walk around campus barefoot, as if he were a paleolithic caveman roaming the wild prehistoric savannah. According to Grah...
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